Top Five Reasons to Steer Clear of Paris Hilton

5. Lame in Bed - Did you watch her sex video? She's about as good as a live tuna, and probably doesn't beat the smell by much.

4. She'll Run You Over - Rule number one is never let women drive, let alone a drunken drug addict. You're in for pain when you see this coked up mongoloid coming at ya.

3. Whoracle - Remember that episode of South Park where she shoved a pineapple in her bottomless cooch? It actually happened, you could be next. (And, I know some of you might say, "Shouldn't you be more worried about getting sucked into Mr. Slave's ass? The answer is no, he is a fictional character, grow up.)

2. Aura of Stupidity - She is by far one of the dumbest celebrities of the past few years, and once she locks eye contact with you, you're done for. Much like Medusa, only instead of turning into stone, you become mentally retarded.

1. Dead Marshes - You know the Dead Marshes. That place in the LOTR: The Two Towers where Frodo falls in and sees all the tortured souls of the fallen kings of the past. That was shot on location in her pants.