5. Social Castration - Getting married is the formal way of saying, "I want to spend the rest of my life with this person." It is also the formal way of saying, "I have made a conscious decision to not hang out with my friends anymore and instead work and take out the trash." Great move. Those dish gloves look fabulous on you.
4. Relinquishing of Funds - Thats right. All that money you made last week? Thats not your money, its the family's money. Wanna buy new rims for your car? How about a game for your Wii. Nope, that money goes to something much more fiscally responsible. Like a college fund, or your electricity bill. Ohhh, how about new drapes in the living room? Sick!
3. The Return of Satanical Womanly Tendencies - Forgot to put the seat down didn't you? Did you take out the trash? Are you really going out dressed like that? Get some tampons while you're out. Lets talk about our feelings... You get the idea.
2. Mono-Vaginal - Oh yes. Being married means you can only have sex with this one woman (or man) for the rest of your life. Yep, just her. Remember how much fun it is to fool around with someone for the first time? Yeah, me neither, but we can imagine together now!
1. You Can no Longer Hit Kids - Before if you hit a kid, its probably because they were being a dumb ass and deserved it. Now if you hit a kid, you're subject to "Child Abuse" lawsuits. Bullshit I know, but thats the sad fact of marriage. On the plus side, maybe it would convince your wife you would be an unfit father and not want to have children. On second thought... Go hit small children.
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