5. Improve Your Sexual Longevity - Condoms traditionally decrease sensitivity. By wearing a condom you might finally be able to last long enough that your partner actually gets some enjoyment out of it!
4. No Babies - Lets face it. Babies are a pain, abortions are expensive, and I don't know about you but I'm not gonna count on luck to stop me from getting a chick pregnant.
3. Preservation - Remember when your grand parents put plastic on the furniture to keep it nice for when special guests came over? It's like that, just for your tool.
2. Pride - Nothing emphasizes your glory like taking a full scum bag and smacking it across your woman's face.
1. Avoid That "Burning" Feeling - No one likes an oozy tool. And you don't want to risk it and find out what they really mean by, "An intense burning sensation." Don't be a fool, wrap your tool.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Top Five Reasons Why There Should Never Be a Fifty Foot Michael Jackson Robot
It's about time we get on the current news thing. Check this out, or just read the top five, either way, you might end up crying.
5. There are Enough Fifty Foot Robots in Cartoons and Anime - Gundam, Evangelion, Robotech, the Big 'O, Gigantor... Need I go on? There is enough of this bull funky on TV, and I don't need Michael Jackson's twisted version of it corrupting my childhood.
4. The Materials Could Be Better Used For... Anything - Why waste our metal and engineer's time on something like this? They could build a spaceport, a recycling center, or a fucking concentration camp for all I care, as long as it isn't a robotic Michael Jackson.
3. Robots Always Go Rogue - Throughout the course of history, there has never been a robot that hasn't viciously slaughtered its creator and his fans. Not that killing Michael Jackson and his fans would be a bad thing, but you know, innocents might get hurt in the process, and as Americans it would look bad if the front page of the world news read, 'Giant Robot Grabs Crotch, Hits High Note, Levels City Block.'
2. It May Be a Sign of the Coming of the Apocalypse - Michael Jackson. Fifty foot robot. New album? World Destruction, end of story.
1. Michael Jackson is Fucking Creepy - A six foot Michael Jackson is bad enough, does the world really need him, of all people, to be enlarged to such a ridiculous proportion? And this isn't just a statue people, it's a fucking robot. It's going to wander around the desert molesting giant robotic little boys. Think of it like the Iron Giant. His goal is to befriend small children, and touch them, in that way that makes us all teary-eyed.
5. There are Enough Fifty Foot Robots in Cartoons and Anime - Gundam, Evangelion, Robotech, the Big 'O, Gigantor... Need I go on? There is enough of this bull funky on TV, and I don't need Michael Jackson's twisted version of it corrupting my childhood.
4. The Materials Could Be Better Used For... Anything - Why waste our metal and engineer's time on something like this? They could build a spaceport, a recycling center, or a fucking concentration camp for all I care, as long as it isn't a robotic Michael Jackson.
3. Robots Always Go Rogue - Throughout the course of history, there has never been a robot that hasn't viciously slaughtered its creator and his fans. Not that killing Michael Jackson and his fans would be a bad thing, but you know, innocents might get hurt in the process, and as Americans it would look bad if the front page of the world news read, 'Giant Robot Grabs Crotch, Hits High Note, Levels City Block.'
2. It May Be a Sign of the Coming of the Apocalypse - Michael Jackson. Fifty foot robot. New album? World Destruction, end of story.
1. Michael Jackson is Fucking Creepy - A six foot Michael Jackson is bad enough, does the world really need him, of all people, to be enlarged to such a ridiculous proportion? And this isn't just a statue people, it's a fucking robot. It's going to wander around the desert molesting giant robotic little boys. Think of it like the Iron Giant. His goal is to befriend small children, and touch them, in that way that makes us all teary-eyed.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Top 5 Reasons to Not Get Married
5. Social Castration - Getting married is the formal way of saying, "I want to spend the rest of my life with this person." It is also the formal way of saying, "I have made a conscious decision to not hang out with my friends anymore and instead work and take out the trash." Great move. Those dish gloves look fabulous on you.
4. Relinquishing of Funds - Thats right. All that money you made last week? Thats not your money, its the family's money. Wanna buy new rims for your car? How about a game for your Wii. Nope, that money goes to something much more fiscally responsible. Like a college fund, or your electricity bill. Ohhh, how about new drapes in the living room? Sick!
3. The Return of Satanical Womanly Tendencies - Forgot to put the seat down didn't you? Did you take out the trash? Are you really going out dressed like that? Get some tampons while you're out. Lets talk about our feelings... You get the idea.
2. Mono-Vaginal - Oh yes. Being married means you can only have sex with this one woman (or man) for the rest of your life. Yep, just her. Remember how much fun it is to fool around with someone for the first time? Yeah, me neither, but we can imagine together now!
1. You Can no Longer Hit Kids - Before if you hit a kid, its probably because they were being a dumb ass and deserved it. Now if you hit a kid, you're subject to "Child Abuse" lawsuits. Bullshit I know, but thats the sad fact of marriage. On the plus side, maybe it would convince your wife you would be an unfit father and not want to have children. On second thought... Go hit small children.
4. Relinquishing of Funds - Thats right. All that money you made last week? Thats not your money, its the family's money. Wanna buy new rims for your car? How about a game for your Wii. Nope, that money goes to something much more fiscally responsible. Like a college fund, or your electricity bill. Ohhh, how about new drapes in the living room? Sick!
3. The Return of Satanical Womanly Tendencies - Forgot to put the seat down didn't you? Did you take out the trash? Are you really going out dressed like that? Get some tampons while you're out. Lets talk about our feelings... You get the idea.
2. Mono-Vaginal - Oh yes. Being married means you can only have sex with this one woman (or man) for the rest of your life. Yep, just her. Remember how much fun it is to fool around with someone for the first time? Yeah, me neither, but we can imagine together now!
1. You Can no Longer Hit Kids - Before if you hit a kid, its probably because they were being a dumb ass and deserved it. Now if you hit a kid, you're subject to "Child Abuse" lawsuits. Bullshit I know, but thats the sad fact of marriage. On the plus side, maybe it would convince your wife you would be an unfit father and not want to have children. On second thought... Go hit small children.
Top Five Manliest Movies
5. Commando - Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Jungle killing everything. If I need to explain to you the appeal of that, you must be lacking satchel. Not to mention the obvious battle for heterosexual supremacy between the testosterone spewing Arnold and his Freddy Mercury-look alike nemesis, Bennett. Watch this movie and practice your one-liners, cause nothing is more manly than a good one-liner, IE James Bond.
4. Top Gun - I know there is controversy behind this one, but is it possible that Top Gun is so gay that it is in fact the manliest piece of cinema in all history? No, but its got Jets. And Jets are manly. So is flying Jets to 80's hair metal.
3. Die Hard - John McClane impregnates females,and occasionally a male, every time Die Hard is even mentioned. The man walks across broken glass barefoot and makes bombs with monitors. A movie about a lone cop killing bad dudes with tact and style and can't NOT be manly. Warning: Your testicles will double in size upon each viewing of Die Hard.
2. 300 - I can't imagine a reason why you haven't seen this movie yet. I grew a beard just watching it. After the credits had rolled, I had so much testosterone in me that I crushed a man's skull on the way out. I also walked straight through a wall and punted an entire litter of baby kittens.
1. Dirty Dancing - Here's a game me and the boys like to play. Watch Dirty Dancing, and if you can find the women more attractive than the sizzlin' Patrick Swayze AND not day dream about running on the beach with him, you have completed your journey through manhood and you are free to claim yourself a Man among men.
4. Top Gun - I know there is controversy behind this one, but is it possible that Top Gun is so gay that it is in fact the manliest piece of cinema in all history? No, but its got Jets. And Jets are manly. So is flying Jets to 80's hair metal.
3. Die Hard - John McClane impregnates females,and occasionally a male, every time Die Hard is even mentioned. The man walks across broken glass barefoot and makes bombs with monitors. A movie about a lone cop killing bad dudes with tact and style and can't NOT be manly. Warning: Your testicles will double in size upon each viewing of Die Hard.
2. 300 - I can't imagine a reason why you haven't seen this movie yet. I grew a beard just watching it. After the credits had rolled, I had so much testosterone in me that I crushed a man's skull on the way out. I also walked straight through a wall and punted an entire litter of baby kittens.
1. Dirty Dancing - Here's a game me and the boys like to play. Watch Dirty Dancing, and if you can find the women more attractive than the sizzlin' Patrick Swayze AND not day dream about running on the beach with him, you have completed your journey through manhood and you are free to claim yourself a Man among men.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Top Five Words That Sound Dirty, But Aren't
5. Uvula - You know that thing that hangs down... In the back, there? You might need a light to see it. It just kind of jiggles and doesn't really do anything, but if feels weird if you play with it. Yeah, that's dirty.
4. Cumbersome - Just look at it. First thing that pops into my mind is a big load. Hey, baby, you better watch out, this is going to be cumbersome on your face in a second.
3. Buttress - I think in a few years this will catch on as the new word to describe anal sex. How do you like it best? Well, I don't get it as often as I'd like, but I prefer the buttress method.
2. Mastication - It's like three letters off from masturbation. That's it, plain and simple.
1. Cunnalingus - There is some huge rumor going around that this a real word and it means something along the lines of licking a girl's vagina. Now, come on people, think about that logically. God put the poonani on this planet for one reason, and one reason only, for intrusion of the dick variety. Let's stop this non-sense now before women start thinking they have rights, too.
4. Cumbersome - Just look at it. First thing that pops into my mind is a big load. Hey, baby, you better watch out, this is going to be cumbersome on your face in a second.
3. Buttress - I think in a few years this will catch on as the new word to describe anal sex. How do you like it best? Well, I don't get it as often as I'd like, but I prefer the buttress method.
2. Mastication - It's like three letters off from masturbation. That's it, plain and simple.
1. Cunnalingus - There is some huge rumor going around that this a real word and it means something along the lines of licking a girl's vagina. Now, come on people, think about that logically. God put the poonani on this planet for one reason, and one reason only, for intrusion of the dick variety. Let's stop this non-sense now before women start thinking they have rights, too.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Top Five Things To Do on a School Bus
5. Throw Stuff - Nothing is less expected than being hit with something as a school bus passes. And in the long run, no one can really be upset about it so you're off the hook, because A: What the hell are they gonna tell the cops? "it was a big yellow school bus" Yeah OK... And B: Just blame it on the kids. Meddling kids, and their dog.
4. Moon People - When is mooning people a BAD idea? Thats right, never. So why not do it atop such a glorious device. You'll be so high up, they might even get a peak at a little taint.
3. Shit - Uhh, I really don't know why you would want to shit on a school bus, it was Neee's idea. Maybe he has a shitting fetish, combined with a bus fetish? But I guess I don't see any reason not to. This bus is a one way trip to brown town.
2. Turn the Flashy Lights On - Now, at first glance you may think "Hey, this is lame, it should be no higher than 5." But you're an idiot and thats why we write these. Think of the power those blinky lights command. You can stop all traffic at the flip of a switch! Think of the possibilities man...
1. Have Sex - Everyone knows having sex is the most epic thing you can do on a school bus. Plus, its uniquely shaped and placed seats offer some interesting choices for positions. Bonus points if you do it on a short bus. Gives new meaning to "Handicap Hand Job's".
4. Moon People - When is mooning people a BAD idea? Thats right, never. So why not do it atop such a glorious device. You'll be so high up, they might even get a peak at a little taint.
3. Shit - Uhh, I really don't know why you would want to shit on a school bus, it was Neee's idea. Maybe he has a shitting fetish, combined with a bus fetish? But I guess I don't see any reason not to. This bus is a one way trip to brown town.
2. Turn the Flashy Lights On - Now, at first glance you may think "Hey, this is lame, it should be no higher than 5." But you're an idiot and thats why we write these. Think of the power those blinky lights command. You can stop all traffic at the flip of a switch! Think of the possibilities man...
1. Have Sex - Everyone knows having sex is the most epic thing you can do on a school bus. Plus, its uniquely shaped and placed seats offer some interesting choices for positions. Bonus points if you do it on a short bus. Gives new meaning to "Handicap Hand Job's".
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Top Five Reasons Why Vikings are Better than Both Pirates and Ninjas.
5. Viking's Wheels - Vikings roll out in boats shaped like dragons, and that is the most balla shit you can do with your vessel.
4. Viking Attire - Vikings get the respect of the honorable Sir Flava Flave. The Viking helmet demands respect and glory. A Pirate's wardrobe looks like what the Queer Eye Guys would do to a Pilgrim. And Ninjas? The only people i see wearing all black are found at Hawthorne Heights concerts.
3. Fame and Fortune - Eric the Red, Leif Eriksson, and Hagar the Horrible. These Vikings were all smooth pimps and are always looked back on with much fondness. You could be like "Hey, Pat, what about famous pirates?". Fuck that. Pirates are gay. And name a famous Ninja. Thats what I thought, there are none. Except the Great White Ninja, that guy was special.
2. Viking Starts with V - And only kickass things start with 'V', like Victory, and Vodka, and Velocity, and Vicegrip,and Vectorman, and Vagina, and Valencia Oranges.
1. The Viking Code - There are certain things a man needs in his life. The Viking Code is the epitome of manliness: Rape, Pillage, Plunder. These three things are enough to make a man slightly erect just by the mention of them. So i decree to you, the readers, that next time you have trouble at work, or at the home, apply these three problem solving skills to your life.
4. Viking Attire - Vikings get the respect of the honorable Sir Flava Flave. The Viking helmet demands respect and glory. A Pirate's wardrobe looks like what the Queer Eye Guys would do to a Pilgrim. And Ninjas? The only people i see wearing all black are found at Hawthorne Heights concerts.
3. Fame and Fortune - Eric the Red, Leif Eriksson, and Hagar the Horrible. These Vikings were all smooth pimps and are always looked back on with much fondness. You could be like "Hey, Pat, what about famous pirates?". Fuck that. Pirates are gay. And name a famous Ninja. Thats what I thought, there are none. Except the Great White Ninja, that guy was special.
2. Viking Starts with V - And only kickass things start with 'V', like Victory, and Vodka, and Velocity, and Vicegrip,and Vectorman, and Vagina, and Valencia Oranges.
1. The Viking Code - There are certain things a man needs in his life. The Viking Code is the epitome of manliness: Rape, Pillage, Plunder. These three things are enough to make a man slightly erect just by the mention of them. So i decree to you, the readers, that next time you have trouble at work, or at the home, apply these three problem solving skills to your life.
Top Five Benefits of Having an Enlarged Prostate
This one goes out to Sean Reynolds. Ain't nobody can hold a candle to your almost growthy gland.
5. Sympathy - It's lame, I know, but there are some sick fucks out there that get randy when people give them the, 'awww poor thing' treatment. Lord knows I do.
4. You Can Now Compare Your Penis to Your ISP - Once were the glory days of fiber optic, and lightning downloads, but now you're stuck on 56K, and Girls Gone Wild has just stopped at 34% and it ain't gonna start back up.
3. Bladder Explosion is Balla - Having your bladder explode is probably one of the most manly ways you can die. If you're going to go, go out with a bang, a bladder bang, just like my nigga Tycho Brahe.
2. No Better Excuse for Getting a Finger Up Your Ass - Come on, why not live it up while you have the chance? Yeah, hunnie, just going to the doctors to make sure my prostate isn't growing... Score, rectal exam!
1. Not Everyone Knows What it Means - When you tell people that you have an enlarged prostate, if they don't know what it is exactly, they at least have some memory of it having to do with genitalia. You know what that means? In their minds, your dick is now the size of a grapefruit.
5. Sympathy - It's lame, I know, but there are some sick fucks out there that get randy when people give them the, 'awww poor thing' treatment. Lord knows I do.
4. You Can Now Compare Your Penis to Your ISP - Once were the glory days of fiber optic, and lightning downloads, but now you're stuck on 56K, and Girls Gone Wild has just stopped at 34% and it ain't gonna start back up.
3. Bladder Explosion is Balla - Having your bladder explode is probably one of the most manly ways you can die. If you're going to go, go out with a bang, a bladder bang, just like my nigga Tycho Brahe.
2. No Better Excuse for Getting a Finger Up Your Ass - Come on, why not live it up while you have the chance? Yeah, hunnie, just going to the doctors to make sure my prostate isn't growing... Score, rectal exam!
1. Not Everyone Knows What it Means - When you tell people that you have an enlarged prostate, if they don't know what it is exactly, they at least have some memory of it having to do with genitalia. You know what that means? In their minds, your dick is now the size of a grapefruit.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Top Five reasons the World Will Plunge Into World War 3
With the current Political Climate, its not unusual for us to speculate on why in the near future we will be blogging from a smoldering crater.
5. Worldwide Halo 3 Shortage - If you have ever played Halo 2 online, chances are that you already believe the apocalypse is upon us because the Halo 2 community will one day have to move from their mother's basements and get jobs doing things in the real world. But, imagine this set of Master Chief worshiping bigots not being able to get this Holy Grail of online games, let alone the special edition that includes a miniature helmet to complete the suit of armor they have been knitting for their cat. There would be riots world wide.
4. Micheal Jackson is the Antichrist - I would not be surprised. His unholy union with Macaulay Culkin, among other boys, will rip open a gate to the underworld from which his demonic army would conquer the world as we know it. The French Prime Minister has already surrendered to them.
3. Penis Pump Embargo - Anyone whom needs nuclear warheads are obviously compensating for their lack of pantliear dickheads. So, this much needed home appliance could cause World Leaders to become more trigger happy, one thing leads to another, and everyone is eating radiation.
2. Canada Evolves Beyond the Iron Age - God forbid those fun loving Canucks discover physics, let alone how to build tanks that don't involve mules.
1. Kim Jung Il "Catches 'em all" - We could make some witty political joke about hoarding nuclear arms, but no, we are really talking about Pokemon.
5. Worldwide Halo 3 Shortage - If you have ever played Halo 2 online, chances are that you already believe the apocalypse is upon us because the Halo 2 community will one day have to move from their mother's basements and get jobs doing things in the real world. But, imagine this set of Master Chief worshiping bigots not being able to get this Holy Grail of online games, let alone the special edition that includes a miniature helmet to complete the suit of armor they have been knitting for their cat. There would be riots world wide.
4. Micheal Jackson is the Antichrist - I would not be surprised. His unholy union with Macaulay Culkin, among other boys, will rip open a gate to the underworld from which his demonic army would conquer the world as we know it. The French Prime Minister has already surrendered to them.
3. Penis Pump Embargo - Anyone whom needs nuclear warheads are obviously compensating for their lack of pantliear dickheads. So, this much needed home appliance could cause World Leaders to become more trigger happy, one thing leads to another, and everyone is eating radiation.
2. Canada Evolves Beyond the Iron Age - God forbid those fun loving Canucks discover physics, let alone how to build tanks that don't involve mules.
1. Kim Jung Il "Catches 'em all" - We could make some witty political joke about hoarding nuclear arms, but no, we are really talking about Pokemon.
Top Five Reasons to Never Sing While Drunk
5. You're Going to Make an Ass Out of Yourself - I know, when you're drowning yourself in Captain Morgans it's expected that you become a little more open to suggestion. But much like that time you face planted trying to do a kick flip, that isn't always a good thing.
4. You Can't Sing - Everyone knows it. You know it, but somehow you forget about it for those few short minutes when you step up to the stage and spotlight and remind everyone why you've never been on American Idol, and do you really think drinking is going to help you? You're going to be so unfamiliar with the terms, 'off key' and, 'lyrics' people are going to think you're musically challenged.
3. Everyone is Watching - Look around you. See those people? They're going to be listening whether you or they want to or not. When the music starts, your sound level will be anywhere from quiet to screaming, but regardless of that, by the end you will have the attention of everyone, and chances are that you won't realize until the next day.
2. Someone Has a Camera - And chances are it's probably you. Thanks to technology, we are now given the chance to relive forgotten memories with devices no bigger than the mouse you're using right now. Whether the evidence is in the form of pictures or video, your friends will never forget that face you made while giving your rendition of Don't Stop Believing. This is a prime example.
1. You're Drunk - When is the last time you made a good decision while intoxicated? No, stop lying right now. She didn't look anything like Ginger from Gilligan's Island, it was more like... The offspring of Nessy and the Blob, only with more hair.
4. You Can't Sing - Everyone knows it. You know it, but somehow you forget about it for those few short minutes when you step up to the stage and spotlight and remind everyone why you've never been on American Idol, and do you really think drinking is going to help you? You're going to be so unfamiliar with the terms, 'off key' and, 'lyrics' people are going to think you're musically challenged.
3. Everyone is Watching - Look around you. See those people? They're going to be listening whether you or they want to or not. When the music starts, your sound level will be anywhere from quiet to screaming, but regardless of that, by the end you will have the attention of everyone, and chances are that you won't realize until the next day.
2. Someone Has a Camera - And chances are it's probably you. Thanks to technology, we are now given the chance to relive forgotten memories with devices no bigger than the mouse you're using right now. Whether the evidence is in the form of pictures or video, your friends will never forget that face you made while giving your rendition of Don't Stop Believing. This is a prime example.
1. You're Drunk - When is the last time you made a good decision while intoxicated? No, stop lying right now. She didn't look anything like Ginger from Gilligan's Island, it was more like... The offspring of Nessy and the Blob, only with more hair.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Top Five Reasons to Steer Clear of Paris Hilton
5. Lame in Bed - Did you watch her sex video? She's about as good as a live tuna, and probably doesn't beat the smell by much.
4. She'll Run You Over - Rule number one is never let women drive, let alone a drunken drug addict. You're in for pain when you see this coked up mongoloid coming at ya.
3. Whoracle - Remember that episode of South Park where she shoved a pineapple in her bottomless cooch? It actually happened, you could be next. (And, I know some of you might say, "Shouldn't you be more worried about getting sucked into Mr. Slave's ass? The answer is no, he is a fictional character, grow up.)
2. Aura of Stupidity - She is by far one of the dumbest celebrities of the past few years, and once she locks eye contact with you, you're done for. Much like Medusa, only instead of turning into stone, you become mentally retarded.
1. Dead Marshes - You know the Dead Marshes. That place in the LOTR: The Two Towers where Frodo falls in and sees all the tortured souls of the fallen kings of the past. That was shot on location in her pants.
4. She'll Run You Over - Rule number one is never let women drive, let alone a drunken drug addict. You're in for pain when you see this coked up mongoloid coming at ya.
3. Whoracle - Remember that episode of South Park where she shoved a pineapple in her bottomless cooch? It actually happened, you could be next. (And, I know some of you might say, "Shouldn't you be more worried about getting sucked into Mr. Slave's ass? The answer is no, he is a fictional character, grow up.)
2. Aura of Stupidity - She is by far one of the dumbest celebrities of the past few years, and once she locks eye contact with you, you're done for. Much like Medusa, only instead of turning into stone, you become mentally retarded.
1. Dead Marshes - You know the Dead Marshes. That place in the LOTR: The Two Towers where Frodo falls in and sees all the tortured souls of the fallen kings of the past. That was shot on location in her pants.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Top Five Reasons to Go to College
5. Your Parents Want You to - You know it, and I know it. They want you to go and further your education or follow their dreams or something. Make them happy, so when you move back home afterwards your mom will still get you Captain Crunch for dinner.
4. It Helps Kill Time - What else did you plan on doing in those 4-6 years between high school and when you actually get a job. I guess you could sit in your parents basement and masturbate all day, but why not move from the basement to a dorm room? Maybe even fill some time in between sessions with a class or something.
3. Make More Mun's - Yeah buddy. Go to college, get that piece of paper that says you're qualified to do something, and make more money than the dude who doesn't have that piece of paper. Holla!
2. Parties - Even the nerds of college party, granted it might be a magic party, but still. When else in your life are you going to be surrounded by thousands of people your age with nothing better to do? Live it up and grab a beah! (beer for those of you who are retarded)
1. Legal Biddies - You heard me. Colleges are full of crazy, legal, chicks (and dudes) who are overcome with hormones and a burning desire (also known as VD) to let loose and get loose. Grab a buddy, hit a party, and tap some fine, educated, ass!
4. It Helps Kill Time - What else did you plan on doing in those 4-6 years between high school and when you actually get a job. I guess you could sit in your parents basement and masturbate all day, but why not move from the basement to a dorm room? Maybe even fill some time in between sessions with a class or something.
3. Make More Mun's - Yeah buddy. Go to college, get that piece of paper that says you're qualified to do something, and make more money than the dude who doesn't have that piece of paper. Holla!
2. Parties - Even the nerds of college party, granted it might be a magic party, but still. When else in your life are you going to be surrounded by thousands of people your age with nothing better to do? Live it up and grab a beah! (beer for those of you who are retarded)
1. Legal Biddies - You heard me. Colleges are full of crazy, legal, chicks (and dudes) who are overcome with hormones and a burning desire (also known as VD) to let loose and get loose. Grab a buddy, hit a party, and tap some fine, educated, ass!
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Top Ten Tuesday! Top Ten Uses of a Dildo in Cinema
10. Fight Club - Its no threat to Brad Pitt. Nothing is.
9. Idiocracy - In the future most cars come standard with dildo hood ornaments.
8. BASEketball - Upon finding a dildo, priority one is not usually not taste test.
7. Me, Myself, and Irene - It wasn't for her. IT WASN'T FOR HER.
6. Not Another Teen Movie - Dildo Cake is actually a delicacy in some countries.
5. Jackass 2 - Is it Wrong to be Strong? Dildo runs make it possible.
4. American Pie 2 - The memorable foray into the lesbian stronghold to find lesbian artifacts.
3. Borat - Nothing says friendship like a nude game of tag with a rubber fist. Having a broken Anoos isn't as bad as advertised.
2. Orgazmo - Another Matt Stone and Trey Parker movie makes it in the list, how surprising. Well when the sidekick of the movie's titular character is based around dildo and dildo gadgets, its hard from the movie not to make it to this list. COOOOOOCK ROCKET!
1. Sorority Boys - Epic dildo battles, FTW.
9. Idiocracy - In the future most cars come standard with dildo hood ornaments.
8. BASEketball - Upon finding a dildo, priority one is not usually not taste test.
7. Me, Myself, and Irene - It wasn't for her. IT WASN'T FOR HER.
6. Not Another Teen Movie - Dildo Cake is actually a delicacy in some countries.
5. Jackass 2 - Is it Wrong to be Strong? Dildo runs make it possible.
4. American Pie 2 - The memorable foray into the lesbian stronghold to find lesbian artifacts.
3. Borat - Nothing says friendship like a nude game of tag with a rubber fist. Having a broken Anoos isn't as bad as advertised.
2. Orgazmo - Another Matt Stone and Trey Parker movie makes it in the list, how surprising. Well when the sidekick of the movie's titular character is based around dildo and dildo gadgets, its hard from the movie not to make it to this list. COOOOOOCK ROCKET!
1. Sorority Boys - Epic dildo battles, FTW.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Top Five Reasons to Date Nee
5. He has Skills - Granted they may be odd skills, like kicking himself in the back of the head, or playing Guitar Hero on his toes, he still has those skills. And hey, think of it this way, if he can play guitar hero like that, think of what else he can do with his fingers, if you know what I mean. And in case you don't, I mean he could diddle you for hours on end, even with his hands behind his head... Yeah, think about it...
4. He's Like a Teddy Bear - ...Only full of semen and beer instead of cotton. What a lucky girl (or 13 year old boy) you would be, to be held in the comfort of Nee's hands, all soft and calloused from playing bass. Ohh, Neeumms you make such a fwuffy teddy beawww.
3. Even Nee Uses Star Power - Thats right. Even someone as legendary as Nee, still struggles sometimes, but thats what gives him character. Worries of being overshadowed by his glory would be in vain, for Nee is human, just like us, and sometimes, even he has to use star power.
2. Pancake Nipples - Come on, do I really have to explain this one?
1. You Get to Tap Into his Unspoiled Pool of Sexuality - Trust me, this thing is like the holy grail of pent up sexual urges. Its size is comparable to the Atlantic Ocean, with about as much force as Niagara Falls in the spring. Your discovery would be legendary, and your name would become instantly carved into the stone that is history.
4. He's Like a Teddy Bear - ...Only full of semen and beer instead of cotton. What a lucky girl (or 13 year old boy) you would be, to be held in the comfort of Nee's hands, all soft and calloused from playing bass. Ohh, Neeumms you make such a fwuffy teddy beawww.
3. Even Nee Uses Star Power - Thats right. Even someone as legendary as Nee, still struggles sometimes, but thats what gives him character. Worries of being overshadowed by his glory would be in vain, for Nee is human, just like us, and sometimes, even he has to use star power.
2. Pancake Nipples - Come on, do I really have to explain this one?
1. You Get to Tap Into his Unspoiled Pool of Sexuality - Trust me, this thing is like the holy grail of pent up sexual urges. Its size is comparable to the Atlantic Ocean, with about as much force as Niagara Falls in the spring. Your discovery would be legendary, and your name would become instantly carved into the stone that is history.
Top Five Uses for Boobs
5. Motorboatin' - The art of Motorboating has fascinated man since the beginning of time. Scientists theorize that the origins of Motorboating began in Aboriginal Australia. Soon to be an Olympic Sport, Motorboating is the act of burying your face between to bosoms and bathing in their glory, whilst blowing out of your sealed lips so you sound like a Motorboat. Trust me, I majored in it.
4. Thermometers - Is it cold in here, or are Siskel and Ebert givin' me two thumbs up?
3. Pillows - Have you ever seen a pair of gozangas that were so mountainous and rustic that you just want to take a vacation and nestle in their luscious valley, maybe set up camp and live off the land for awhile? Go forth and stake claim to the land your forefather's left for you.
2. Semen Reservoirs - Much like the Continental Divide, semen shall flow from high-points to the watersheds. Luckily, there are two wide receivers to keep the floor clean.
1. Beer Tray - There's a plethora of things that men need in their life. A cold brewhaha is by far the most important. Second most though, would be a pedestal that correctly dignifies, nay, glorifies the brewski. Tits, my friends, were invented by God to hold a beer.
4. Thermometers - Is it cold in here, or are Siskel and Ebert givin' me two thumbs up?
3. Pillows - Have you ever seen a pair of gozangas that were so mountainous and rustic that you just want to take a vacation and nestle in their luscious valley, maybe set up camp and live off the land for awhile? Go forth and stake claim to the land your forefather's left for you.
2. Semen Reservoirs - Much like the Continental Divide, semen shall flow from high-points to the watersheds. Luckily, there are two wide receivers to keep the floor clean.
1. Beer Tray - There's a plethora of things that men need in their life. A cold brewhaha is by far the most important. Second most though, would be a pedestal that correctly dignifies, nay, glorifies the brewski. Tits, my friends, were invented by God to hold a beer.
Friday, March 2, 2007
Top Five Reasons to Go on a Hiatus
5. Comatose - Well, no explanation needed. ...You're fucking unconscious, nothing is going to get done.
4. Masturbation Marathon - Once you pop... You must refuse to stop. Just keep going, and going, and going. Yeah, like the Energizer Bunny, but instead it's your genitals.
3. Biddies - Ladies, ladies, ladies. You know what I'm talking about. Whether it's jail bait, or a MILF, it's gotta get hit and you gotta hit it. In case of no biddies, see number 4.
2. Wasted - Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, and sometimes you gotta drink. It's hard to write top fives when formulating coherent sentences proves challenging.
1. Epic Return - Much like that of Jay-Z or Michael Jordan. It's lonely at the top, and sometimes you want to step down, that's understandable. However, two days later you remember how good it really is to be the king. Fuck retirement, the throne must be reclaimed!
4. Masturbation Marathon - Once you pop... You must refuse to stop. Just keep going, and going, and going. Yeah, like the Energizer Bunny, but instead it's your genitals.
3. Biddies - Ladies, ladies, ladies. You know what I'm talking about. Whether it's jail bait, or a MILF, it's gotta get hit and you gotta hit it. In case of no biddies, see number 4.
2. Wasted - Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, and sometimes you gotta drink. It's hard to write top fives when formulating coherent sentences proves challenging.
1. Epic Return - Much like that of Jay-Z or Michael Jordan. It's lonely at the top, and sometimes you want to step down, that's understandable. However, two days later you remember how good it really is to be the king. Fuck retirement, the throne must be reclaimed!
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