5. Sense of Taste - Mmm. Food. This is what makes eating so great! Without that, I would just keep eating to fill the empty void inside me... It would be a vicious cycle.
4. Sense of Sight - Boobs! Look at 'em! That's all that needs to be said.
3. Sense of Humor - It's what makes this blog worth reading. It's what makes your buddy getting whacked in the nuts gut bustingly hilarious, up until they give you nut knock of your own.
2. Sixth Sense - Ghosts and shit? Hollah! Why wouldn't you want to know stuff other people didn't? You'll see the future and talk to the dead. You'll be rich, basically.
1. Spidey Sense - Who wants to be rich when you'll have all the bid-tids (ladies) you can handle? Oh, watch out sexy, Doc Oc is about to hump you. "Oh, thank you Spider-Guy! Let me blow you."
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Top Five Better Uses of Your Monthly World of Warcraft Subscription
5. Open a Savings Account - Yeah, 15 bucks a month isn't that much, but in ten years, you could have $2,600 sitting in your bank. Think about that everytime you plop your ass down for four to six hours straight, every day for ten years.
4. Invest in Vivendi Universal Stock - You probably missed the explosion that that occurred when WoW first came out, but you should still be in for a pretty penny if things continue to go their way. Oh, you'll have to invest in the French market, since they dropped out of the New York Stock Exchange. Use your new fortune to do something like make third-world countries healthy and thriving, or buy the Millennium Falcon.
3. Buy a Month and a Half of Lord of the Rings Online - When it comes out, of course. At least it's a different game, and it's Lord of the Rings, which is needless to say, the most balla thing ever. For Frodo!
2. Get a BJ Once a Month - Despite what you may or may not think, chicks do not dig +10 enchanted chain-mail, but hookers do dig cash, so go find someone special.
1. Pay Hobos to Participate in Gladiatorial Combat - Self explanatory. ...I'm getting a chubby just thinking
about it.
4. Invest in Vivendi Universal Stock - You probably missed the explosion that that occurred when WoW first came out, but you should still be in for a pretty penny if things continue to go their way. Oh, you'll have to invest in the French market, since they dropped out of the New York Stock Exchange. Use your new fortune to do something like make third-world countries healthy and thriving, or buy the Millennium Falcon.
3. Buy a Month and a Half of Lord of the Rings Online - When it comes out, of course. At least it's a different game, and it's Lord of the Rings, which is needless to say, the most balla thing ever. For Frodo!
2. Get a BJ Once a Month - Despite what you may or may not think, chicks do not dig +10 enchanted chain-mail, but hookers do dig cash, so go find someone special.
1. Pay Hobos to Participate in Gladiatorial Combat - Self explanatory. ...I'm getting a chubby just thinking
about it.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Top Five Reasons to Own a Guitar
5. It helps you compensate for poor sexual performance - It's true, when was the last time you looked at a guitar player and thought, "Man, I bet that dude has poor sexual longevity." No, in fact you probably thought, "Hey, nice guitar... Asshole."
4. Chicks dig it - It's true. Don't ask me why, they just do, and thats what life is about. That, and pwning noobs. Jage.
3. It provides entertainment - When surfing the net and masturbating finally get boring (right) you can take comfort in the fact that your guitar will be strung and waiting for you to pluck out a tasty riff.
2. Its the first step in starting a band - Which is the first step to you and your buddies getting out of your friend's room in his parent's house, and out into the world of public performance and public humiliation.
1. Music is the deepest expression of personal feelings - ...Hah! Just kidding, music is for queers! But it'll get you laid, bitch!
4. Chicks dig it - It's true. Don't ask me why, they just do, and thats what life is about. That, and pwning noobs. Jage.
3. It provides entertainment - When surfing the net and masturbating finally get boring (right) you can take comfort in the fact that your guitar will be strung and waiting for you to pluck out a tasty riff.
2. Its the first step in starting a band - Which is the first step to you and your buddies getting out of your friend's room in his parent's house, and out into the world of public performance and public humiliation.
1. Music is the deepest expression of personal feelings - ...Hah! Just kidding, music is for queers! But it'll get you laid, bitch!
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Top Five Benefits of Anal Sex (Giving)
5. No Chance of Babies - That is, of course, unless you have a hole going from your colon to your ovaries. In which case... That's awesome.
4. It's Tighter - Well, this is pretty self explanatory isn't it? If you want something loose goosey, try a deflated balloon.
3. It's Warmer - Sir William of Cock would prefer being in the Bahamas, than being in Canada, and so wouldn't your dick. Now, I ain't saying Canada is bad, by no means is it bad, but the Bahamas are a nice vacation spot and you go when you are able to. Unless you're rich, or work in brown town, you don't go very often. If you do, you are a very lucky man.
2. It Demeans Her - It's like giving her a mushroom stamp, or covering her face with goo. It just feels right. It's like telling her to go make you some filet mignon. You feel like an asshole, but it had to be done, because you can make your own food, but not good food.
1. It Makes You the Man - While it's going down, you know that feeling of accomplishment and justice you get on the inside? That's what I'm talking about. Much like Tony Danza, you are the boss, and afterwards should immediately go out and brag to all your friends.
4. It's Tighter - Well, this is pretty self explanatory isn't it? If you want something loose goosey, try a deflated balloon.
3. It's Warmer - Sir William of Cock would prefer being in the Bahamas, than being in Canada, and so wouldn't your dick. Now, I ain't saying Canada is bad, by no means is it bad, but the Bahamas are a nice vacation spot and you go when you are able to. Unless you're rich, or work in brown town, you don't go very often. If you do, you are a very lucky man.
2. It Demeans Her - It's like giving her a mushroom stamp, or covering her face with goo. It just feels right. It's like telling her to go make you some filet mignon. You feel like an asshole, but it had to be done, because you can make your own food, but not good food.
1. It Makes You the Man - While it's going down, you know that feeling of accomplishment and justice you get on the inside? That's what I'm talking about. Much like Tony Danza, you are the boss, and afterwards should immediately go out and brag to all your friends.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Top Five Wii Games as of February 2007
5. Wii Sports - For a game that came free with the system, Wii Sports is pretty good. Good enough for the top five? You know it. It comes with tennis, boxing, golf, and bowling and most people will find an interest in at least one of those. It's also a good introduction to the use of the wiimote and is overall just plain fun, especially when you and your friends have nothing better to do. Hey, let's have a boxing tournament!
4. Elebits - Good game play, okay story, and very good on using the wiimote to do various things. It really utilizes the full functionality of the wiimote and provides a sandbox-like environment in which you can manipulate almost all of the objects in the levels. You could say it's akin to Katamari Damacy in that it's a weird, but fun, Japanese game. It also comes with a level building and multiplayer, which is always a plus.
3. Madden 2007 - Now, I'm not really an avid sport game fan, but Madden 2007 really plugs players into the game. Blocking, throwing, jumping, running, catching, and juking all require you to wave or move the wiimote in some way, which drags your mind into the game, and that's what a game is all about. The added level of interaction reinvigorates a genre that's been suffering from old worn out game play thats only improvement have been on graphics.
2. WarioWare: Smooth Moves - If you're suffering from ADHD, a frequent user of cocaine, or looking for a game that gets you moving and thinking, then this game is for you. Whether it's tuning a guitar, swatting a fly, forking a steak, or cutting a piece of wood in half, you're in for a fast paced, near non-stop ride of mini-game after mini-game. Not only are most of the games fun, but there are over 10 different ways to hold the wiimote, depending on what mini-game you're playing, and over 200 mini-games. It also has a multiplayer mode where up to 12 people can play, is nice.
1. The Legend of Zelda: The Twilight Princess - Of course you saw this coming, it's expected. I'm not a die hard 'Zeldz0r is teh best!' man, so I'm not bullshitting you when I say this is the best game for the Wii. If you loved Ocarina of Time, you'll love this. It is, for me at least, the best Zelda game, Ocarina being a close second. As a starting point, it's another Zelda game, so you know what to expect, but I really enjoyed the use of the wiimote into the game, which is why I put it above Ocarina. Link doesn't emulate your moves when attacking, it's a generalized attack but it's fun to do, at least more interesting than sitting there pressing B. The storyline is compelling and references many of the previous games, which makes me happy in my pants. Oh Link... You're so... Courageous.
4. Elebits - Good game play, okay story, and very good on using the wiimote to do various things. It really utilizes the full functionality of the wiimote and provides a sandbox-like environment in which you can manipulate almost all of the objects in the levels. You could say it's akin to Katamari Damacy in that it's a weird, but fun, Japanese game. It also comes with a level building and multiplayer, which is always a plus.
3. Madden 2007 - Now, I'm not really an avid sport game fan, but Madden 2007 really plugs players into the game. Blocking, throwing, jumping, running, catching, and juking all require you to wave or move the wiimote in some way, which drags your mind into the game, and that's what a game is all about. The added level of interaction reinvigorates a genre that's been suffering from old worn out game play thats only improvement have been on graphics.
2. WarioWare: Smooth Moves - If you're suffering from ADHD, a frequent user of cocaine, or looking for a game that gets you moving and thinking, then this game is for you. Whether it's tuning a guitar, swatting a fly, forking a steak, or cutting a piece of wood in half, you're in for a fast paced, near non-stop ride of mini-game after mini-game. Not only are most of the games fun, but there are over 10 different ways to hold the wiimote, depending on what mini-game you're playing, and over 200 mini-games. It also has a multiplayer mode where up to 12 people can play, is nice.
1. The Legend of Zelda: The Twilight Princess - Of course you saw this coming, it's expected. I'm not a die hard 'Zeldz0r is teh best!' man, so I'm not bullshitting you when I say this is the best game for the Wii. If you loved Ocarina of Time, you'll love this. It is, for me at least, the best Zelda game, Ocarina being a close second. As a starting point, it's another Zelda game, so you know what to expect, but I really enjoyed the use of the wiimote into the game, which is why I put it above Ocarina. Link doesn't emulate your moves when attacking, it's a generalized attack but it's fun to do, at least more interesting than sitting there pressing B. The storyline is compelling and references many of the previous games, which makes me happy in my pants. Oh Link... You're so... Courageous.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Top Fives Things to Do While Being Held Captive by Terrorists
5.Suggest Having a Sing-a-long - It helps pass the time, and depending on the song, can really perk up a rather boring hostage situation. Try Row, Row, Row Your Boat, it's a classic!
4. Call Allah a Bitch - Go ahead, mock them and their religion. They're probably going to kill you anyways, might as well have a laugh. It'll make your day when one of them pouts and gets teary-eyed as you tell them how you went to high school with their God and he wet himself when a girl talked to him. If you're too afraid for the insults, why not try...
3. Asking Them if They Have Found Jesus - Try and convert them! If you're good, they might just have a change of heart and send you on your way. Either that or kill you quickly so they don't have to hear you anymore.
2. Try and Be Jean Claude Van Damme - Kick some ass! Or at least attempt to. If you succeed, you know how great that will be? What choices do you have? Go bust a cap on some terrorist ass, it's better than sitting there and letting them have total control over the situation.
1. Actually Be Jean Claude Van Damme - This one is by far the trickiest, but if pulled off correctly, can be the most amazing thing ever. Just picture any Jean Claude Van Damme movie. You're Jean Claude, and the terrorists are the enemies of Jean Claude, now go kill all of them. He eats bullets for breakfast, and wipes his ass with sandpaper. When it's all said and done, you'll get a movie deal and the masses will bow before you. Of course, this is much easier to do if you are Jean Claude.
4. Call Allah a Bitch - Go ahead, mock them and their religion. They're probably going to kill you anyways, might as well have a laugh. It'll make your day when one of them pouts and gets teary-eyed as you tell them how you went to high school with their God and he wet himself when a girl talked to him. If you're too afraid for the insults, why not try...
3. Asking Them if They Have Found Jesus - Try and convert them! If you're good, they might just have a change of heart and send you on your way. Either that or kill you quickly so they don't have to hear you anymore.
2. Try and Be Jean Claude Van Damme - Kick some ass! Or at least attempt to. If you succeed, you know how great that will be? What choices do you have? Go bust a cap on some terrorist ass, it's better than sitting there and letting them have total control over the situation.
1. Actually Be Jean Claude Van Damme - This one is by far the trickiest, but if pulled off correctly, can be the most amazing thing ever. Just picture any Jean Claude Van Damme movie. You're Jean Claude, and the terrorists are the enemies of Jean Claude, now go kill all of them. He eats bullets for breakfast, and wipes his ass with sandpaper. When it's all said and done, you'll get a movie deal and the masses will bow before you. Of course, this is much easier to do if you are Jean Claude.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Top Five Weird Things Neeeee Has Done
5. Scratched My Armpit With My Beard - My hands were full, what else is there to explain?
4. Ate Macaroni and Cheese With My Cell Phone - I was hungry, didn't feel like going to get a spoon, and didn't care about my cell phone. The normal speaker doesn't work very well now and I have to use the loud speaker to hear people clearly when I talk to them.
3. Kicked Myself in the Back of the Head - Well, I didn't do that once, I've been doing it every so often for a few months. It's a strange skill, but I like it because I don't know anyone who can do it, and is willing to, because it's stupid.
2. Head-butted a Paper Bowl With Cereal in it - We were camping, it was wet out, it came to mind, so I did it. There was milk in it, mind you. If I can find the picture of the aftermath, I'll put it up here.
1. Wrapped My Head With Duct Tape - I forget the exact reason behind it, but I was hyper and my friend wasn't answering questions I was asking him so I did the only logical thing I could think of, wrap my head with duct tape until he complied. I later had to tear it off.
4. Ate Macaroni and Cheese With My Cell Phone - I was hungry, didn't feel like going to get a spoon, and didn't care about my cell phone. The normal speaker doesn't work very well now and I have to use the loud speaker to hear people clearly when I talk to them.
3. Kicked Myself in the Back of the Head - Well, I didn't do that once, I've been doing it every so often for a few months. It's a strange skill, but I like it because I don't know anyone who can do it, and is willing to, because it's stupid.
2. Head-butted a Paper Bowl With Cereal in it - We were camping, it was wet out, it came to mind, so I did it. There was milk in it, mind you. If I can find the picture of the aftermath, I'll put it up here.
1. Wrapped My Head With Duct Tape - I forget the exact reason behind it, but I was hyper and my friend wasn't answering questions I was asking him so I did the only logical thing I could think of, wrap my head with duct tape until he complied. I later had to tear it off.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Top Five Reasons Why Joe Rogan is Better Than Carlos Mencia
5. Carlos Mencia Wasn't on News Radio - Do you remember that show? It was great, and Joe Rogan was the man in it. It's probably for the best that Carlos wasn't in it, since he would have just played the lazy Mexican who didn't do anything.
4. Joe Rogan Uses His Own Material - You must of heard of it by now. Joe Rogan called Mencia out for using other people's material, and had a sort of battle against him on stage. And by battle I mean a discussion between two civilized men wherein Joe provides enough proof to convict him in court, and Mencia retorts by calling him a little bitch. Good one Mencia, and speaking of comebacks...
3. Joe Rogan's Comebacks Are More Original Than Mine - Carlos' response to Rogan saying that he uses stolen material was that he thought Joe was gay and was secretly in love with him. Are you serious? I don't care if you're joking, that's a last resort tactic. You're a professional comic, either make fun of him relentlessly, or defend yourself, or something. By calling him gay, you're showing off your lack of talent and making your own situation worse.
2. Joe Rogan is Actually Funny - Have you heard Mencia's act? I'll summarize; I'm Mexican and lazy. Beaner, beaner, beaner, crossing the border to the US. Not bad, considering I didn't look up anything to go by. I'll admit, he has been able to make me laugh, but overall, his bits get tiring and are just one racial slur after another. He doesn't deserve his own show, and I curse Comedy Central for giving him one.
1. Joe Rogan Doesn't Pretend to be Mexican - It's no big deal to change your name for when you become famous or whatever your reasoning is, but... Mexican? Yeah, I'm sure it makes it easier for you to mock Mexicans when your audience thinks you're one of them, but I'll give you a tip, Carlos, or Ned, whatever your name is, making fun of Mexicans... Isn't that hard. Joe Rogan is all that he says he is, and a true American Hero, so suck it Mencia.
If you want to learn more about Joe Rogan, or about the Carlos Mencia incident, click here for Rogan's site.
4. Joe Rogan Uses His Own Material - You must of heard of it by now. Joe Rogan called Mencia out for using other people's material, and had a sort of battle against him on stage. And by battle I mean a discussion between two civilized men wherein Joe provides enough proof to convict him in court, and Mencia retorts by calling him a little bitch. Good one Mencia, and speaking of comebacks...
3. Joe Rogan's Comebacks Are More Original Than Mine - Carlos' response to Rogan saying that he uses stolen material was that he thought Joe was gay and was secretly in love with him. Are you serious? I don't care if you're joking, that's a last resort tactic. You're a professional comic, either make fun of him relentlessly, or defend yourself, or something. By calling him gay, you're showing off your lack of talent and making your own situation worse.
2. Joe Rogan is Actually Funny - Have you heard Mencia's act? I'll summarize; I'm Mexican and lazy. Beaner, beaner, beaner, crossing the border to the US. Not bad, considering I didn't look up anything to go by. I'll admit, he has been able to make me laugh, but overall, his bits get tiring and are just one racial slur after another. He doesn't deserve his own show, and I curse Comedy Central for giving him one.
1. Joe Rogan Doesn't Pretend to be Mexican - It's no big deal to change your name for when you become famous or whatever your reasoning is, but... Mexican? Yeah, I'm sure it makes it easier for you to mock Mexicans when your audience thinks you're one of them, but I'll give you a tip, Carlos, or Ned, whatever your name is, making fun of Mexicans... Isn't that hard. Joe Rogan is all that he says he is, and a true American Hero, so suck it Mencia.
If you want to learn more about Joe Rogan, or about the Carlos Mencia incident, click here for Rogan's site.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Top Five Reasons to Start a Top Five Blog
5. Boredom - When you're in college and you're not that overwhelmed with work and you look to your left and see your friend searching through pages upon pages of Facebook accounts with no intention of doing anything else, something must be done.
4. Creative Output - With creativity just erupting from the side hatch of your mind you need to embrace it like a precious body part, or stolen treasure.
3. Enlightenment - Aim not only to entertain, but to engulf your readers with a level truth and justice that only a glorious top five can attain.
2. Gold Plated Toilet Seats - After your never ending work at the top five is done, there isn't anything better than placing that tired tush on solid gold majesty.
1. The Bitches - Trust me, there ain't nothing that gets women more hot than a nice, thick, daily top five. It's rough, but someone has to do it.
4. Creative Output - With creativity just erupting from the side hatch of your mind you need to embrace it like a precious body part, or stolen treasure.
3. Enlightenment - Aim not only to entertain, but to engulf your readers with a level truth and justice that only a glorious top five can attain.
2. Gold Plated Toilet Seats - After your never ending work at the top five is done, there isn't anything better than placing that tired tush on solid gold majesty.
1. The Bitches - Trust me, there ain't nothing that gets women more hot than a nice, thick, daily top five. It's rough, but someone has to do it.
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