Top Five Penile Upgrades

Now, I'm not saying the penis needs upgrades, I mean, well, not to brag, but mine can satisfy three women and two men at the same time. What I'm saying here is if someone of Michael Moore's penile structure (small and child-like), or his wallet size were to want to improve their near-manhood without lengthening or thickening, this is the path they would take.

5. Chrome - How didn't you see this one coming? It's like instead of getting a Porsche because you have a small dick, you chrome your dick so it looks much cooler, but in the end, you still can't satisfy women... And you're dick is now probably useless (Not that it wasn't in the first place).

4. Spikes - The only problem with this is the more easily you can afford it, the less spikes your penis will be able to hold. There's a long complicated math formula for determining ones penis length based on the size of his bank account and profession, but I'm not going to go into it now. Spikes, people. They tear vaginas apart.

3. Metal Balls - No more grabbing your groin and falling down in pain. Also, no more children, so freeze some sperm before you go ahead with this. Of course, if you're like me, you don't need this kind of upgrade. God has personally touched my balls and blessed them. Is that gay?

2. Improved Lube Reservoir - In case you weren't aware, male genitalia does have a lubricant creation station. However, it's a bit lacking. What we need is more lube, and lubier lube! It'll be like the penis' sub weapon. It would probably look like we were peeing, but with a massive erection.

1. Auto-Jack Off - Think of it like having a friend put a vibrating, heated, flesh lite on your johnson and... Well, you can figure the rest out on your own. Women wouldn't be needed anymore. We'd be free to play video games all day and let our auto-jackers beat our meat until our balls detach from our bodies. I can't wait!