Top Five Reasons Nick Would Go M.I.A.

Last night was frightening, folks. My jolly and mostly hetero life mate, Nick, was no where to be found. In a frantic attempt to find my lost brethren, I used that omnipotent, glorious device known as the Internet to check his away message. The only information i could gather from this was that, wherever he was, he had Swamp Ass. Things were graver than i had expected. Luckily, Nick appeared today, unscathed and maybe even dry-assed. Well, we here at Top Fives speculated where Nick could have been in those hours of darkness. Without further adieu, the Top Five reasons Nick would disappear like that.

5. Joined the Three Six Mafia - Don't hate, the kid flows like Jay-Z after a box of Ex-Lax.

4. There was a Slight Weapons Malfunction - But everything is perfectly alright, now. We're fine, we're all fine, here, now, thank you. How are you?

3. Succumbed to Terrorism - Now that Nick has his cushy government job, he has become the primary target of every towel-headed Camel Jockey who has a boner for Holy War.

2. All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet - If there is one thing Nick likes more than hot man chicken and experience points, its food. Now, god forbid, that some establishment could create a spread that would take this unstoppable eating machine more than 45 minutes to decimate, the consequences would be dire. The amount of food and small children that would be consumed in the crossfire would leave even the Middle East in awe.

1. The American Dream - Well, Nick has about had it with the tumultuous life in suburban New Hampshire. He up and left his for a new life, one that consists of more than just bacon sandwiches and Power-Hour Masturbation. He left into the great wide open, and eloped with his gay lover, who happens to be President of the Nashville Handle-Bar Mustache Club. Live the Dream, Nick. Live the Dream.