Top 5 Worst Ways To Die

This one is a reader submission. Not in the sexual sense...well..maybe? But anyways, here you go! Thanks Courtney! (The Canadian)


5.) The Jerry Springer Show - Let us establish something first: Hell hath no fury like a cross-dressing midget who’s wife just revealed to the world that she was impregnated by three out of the four members of White Snake. And when said midget comes at you with a folding chair, you’re going to wish your papa never plugged your mamma at that drive-in theater twenty years ago. It’s not the hit that will kill you, however – your demise will come via the stampede of rioting audience members who break through the bodyguards to get closer to their beloved JERRY! JERRY! As your broken body expels what is left in your dying bowels, remember that this lovely sight will go down in Jerry Springer history, which will play over and over again on clip shows. Your death will be the delight of knocked up teenagers and NASCAR fans everywhere. Does that make you happy?

4.) Cock Fight - Imagine, if you will, your funeral. Imagine that people care enough to come to your funeral. Then imagine this conversation going on at sad funeral:
Friend 1: This is so tragic. How did he die?
Friend 2: Cock fight.
Friend 1: . . . excuse me?
Friend 2: he fell into the middle of a cock fight. It wasn’t pretty.
Friend 1: I . . . bet it wasn’t.
Sorry to break it to you, slick, but Friend 1 will assume that ‘Cock’, in this case, meant ‘Penis’. And not just any penis, mind you, but big, black, sodomizing penis. Good luck getting that street named after you now, faggot.

3.) Historical Reenactment - Sometimes, very lonely men dress up as soldiers from the Civil War and fight each other. With fake guns. If you are one of these special people, and find yourself dying from massive blood loss in a ditch, remember that it only gets worse. Because they never check the field of battle afterwards (Because, lets face it, there really isn’t any battle), you’ll be left out there to die alone, questioning your choice to fight as a fake Confederate soldier. When the police do find your body, however, your attire will point to the obvious – you will be named as a crazed racist who believed that the institution of slavery should live on. Your wife will be killed by the Reverend Al Sharpton. Your son will serve fate number 4 on this list – and not the rooster fate. The big black penis fate.

2.) Siamese Twin Separation Surgery - I’m sure the operation is horrible. But the worse part would be being the loser twin who actually died said operation. From then on, you’d be known as the overgrown tumor. The overgrown tumor that was attached to that weird, disfigured kid who always took two milks at school lunch. Motherfucker.

1.) Communism - Dying because all of your food and worldly possessions were taken by a well-dressed dictator is rough enough. Your death, however, will give power to every university yuppie, capitalist, and Republican. They will stand on their pile of poverty-stricken orphans, point to your rotting corpse, and say “See, I told you it didn’t work”. They will go on to pick up a tall mocha latte from Starbucks and flip through the Fox News webpage on their iBook. While listening to their mother fucking iPod. How do you feel now, you Russian bastard? Your death supported the growth of Macintosh Computers and really overpriced coffee beverages. How the fuck do you sleep at night?

Deaths That Didn’t Make the List - Corn Cob, Postal Service, The Holocaust.