Neeee's Top Five Special Abilities

It's true, I am amazing, and with that in mind, I thought I'd give you all a taste of the goodness that is me. These are my top five special abilities (that you can know about without me having to kill you).

5. Power Sit - I can kill a man with a single sit. I'm not proud of it, but it's happened, and it can again, so back the fuck off before I put my ass where your body is.

4. Rape - What do you mean this isn't a special ability? Well of course everyone can rape, that's obvious you moron. To me, rape is an art form. I am like the Picasso of forcing myself inside of women.

3. Speed Shit - In and out in under two minutes, if all goes well. I am completely serious with this one people. I don't pretend like I understand why or how. It comes in handy... Well, pretty much whenever I shit. I am quite the opposite of my father, who brings in today's newspaper, the bible, and the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

2. Man Boob Slap - This sounds like a Pokemon attack. I don't really need to explain this, you can either imagine (you probably don't want to), have seen it, or have been struck by it, and if you have been struck by it, you know of its scarring and IQ dropping properties.

1. Instant Ejaculation - The title of this one kind of stretches the truth a bit. It isn't truly instant, it's more like, touch, two second pause, spurt spurt. Kind of like waking the angry drunk. You poke at him, and he slowly rolls over, opens an eye, and spits at you, then rolls back over and sleeps.