This is just a quickly thought up top five concerning my personal life. Oh, and all of these did happen, by the way. No bullshit today! Enjoy.
5. Father Confronting me About Porn Sites - I was... I think eleven? Maybe a little more, maybe a little less. I was just starting to delve into my porn obsession, when my father had a little chat with me one day about how he's been seeing porn in the history on the computer. "History? The fuck is that?" I thought to myself at the time. Of course, I blamed it all on my brother... He didn't buy it.
4. Kids Asking Me if I Masturbated - I had just moved to a new town, I was thirteen or fourteen. I was very withdrawn and depressed after the move and had no real friends. After awhile, the kids who sat in the back of the bus invited me into their domain. I complied, but still didn't talk much. One day, they were talking about masturbating and the entire time I was looking out the window thinking, "For the love of God don't talk to me, please if there is a kind and merciful God, don't let them talk to me." At this point in my life, I wasn't very open with my sexuality, it was still a taboo subject with me. I suppose you figured out they asked me, since it's the title of this section. One of the only girls, turned to me and asked me if I masturbated. I stuttered and said, "N... No." My face then became a shade of red I don't think exists in nature. She then declared to everyone that I was lying, and I think I blocked the rest out of my memory.
3. Brother Almost Catching me Masturbating - You know the story, you're in your room having a good time during the day, because for some reason you can't wait until night, and suddenly you hear footsteps right outside your door. Well, I was on my computer so I threw my shirt over my night stick, and hunched over like I was looking at something on the floor as the door opened. There is no way he didn't know what I was doing. He must have noticed my quick movements, and while he was talking there were muffled sounds on the computer, accompanied by rapid clicks, as I remained hunched over, but continued to stare at the screen. I appreciated the fact that he kept our encounter brief. And yes, I did continue afterwards.
2. Mother Almost Catching me Masturbating - No, this isn't the same story as the previous one. Why? Because the first sound I heard was my door knob turning, so the only thing helping me out is my bent over body, which doesn't help much. Also, she insisted on talking to me for a good five minutes while I was bent over my whang, probably red in the face. The only thing that saved me was the fact that she didn't really enter my room, but just stayed in the doorway. If she had taken two steps... She would have been really impressed.
1. Getting Sung Happy Birthday at Applebees - I swear, there is nothing worse than going to a restaurant and having a group of strangers sing Happy Birthday to you, while another, larger, group of people watch it. Especially when you didn't see it coming at all. I mean, my birthday was in two weeks, why would they? Oh, just to embarrass me. Thanks mom and dad, I'm going to go to the bathroom now and slit my wrists. This is the reason why I make a rule to never go out to eat within a month of my birthday. Never again.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Top Five Characters We'd Like to See in Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Here is a game most of us are excited for and this is a question that often comes up in discussions about the game. So, here is our list of top five characters we'd like to see, and with each, a short description of them in game and their Super Smash (their special ability).
5. Cloud Strife - Think Link, but stronger and more geared toward close range, but his sword has longer reach. Most of his moves are based on his sword, but he draws on materia to cast a few spells. His Super Smash is, of course, Omnislash, which does massive damage to any character near him.
4. Megaman - A combination of Samus, Kirby, and Ganondorf. He is at his best long ranged, and has an ability, like Kirby, to steal other characters powers and use them in conjunction with his gun arm. How is he like Ganondorf? He is heavy, meaning he takes a lot of damage before he'll go off flying since he drops like a rock, and his jumps are nothing to brag about. His Super Smash is similar to that of his attack in Marvel Vs. Capcom, where he becomes a giant and sends forth ungodly amounts of ammunitions that decimate.
3. Sonic - Ah, yes. The hedgehog. He isn't confirmed, so yes, he still belongs on this list. He would have to be the fastest character in the game. Many of his attacks would center around him spinning and attacking, and making Jigglypuff give up her spin assault from Melee. Sonic's Super Smash isn't really all that amazing, but it's got the highest chance of hitting an enemy. He launches into the air, begins to spin and if anyone is within a direct line of sight with him, he'll launch at them multiple times, or if multiple enemies are within the eye sight he will bounce from one to another.
2. Dudes From Contra - Now, I bet you're thinking that this is a bad idea. I say, fuck you. These two are the Ice Climbers... Only... Good. Strong and quick long range attacks, the AI on your teammate is actually decent, and if the main one dies, you take over the secondary. They can also throw down some good close range fisticuffs. As you might expect, the Super Smash is Destroy All, an explosion that damages everyone in the level.
1. Andrew W.K. - His run is an attack, it's called the W.K Stride. When he goes into party mode, he doesn't move much, but he starts slam dancing and kicking ass (good for groups of enemies). His jump is weak, but his powerful stomp can stun his adversaries. He is the ultimate close range fighter, and the crowd always cheers for him regardless of what he is doing in the game. And for his Super Smash? Known as Party, Party, Party, Andrew steps onto a stage, and begins to sing, attracting the crowd onto the level, and invoking mosh pits, damaging all opponents.
5. Cloud Strife - Think Link, but stronger and more geared toward close range, but his sword has longer reach. Most of his moves are based on his sword, but he draws on materia to cast a few spells. His Super Smash is, of course, Omnislash, which does massive damage to any character near him.
4. Megaman - A combination of Samus, Kirby, and Ganondorf. He is at his best long ranged, and has an ability, like Kirby, to steal other characters powers and use them in conjunction with his gun arm. How is he like Ganondorf? He is heavy, meaning he takes a lot of damage before he'll go off flying since he drops like a rock, and his jumps are nothing to brag about. His Super Smash is similar to that of his attack in Marvel Vs. Capcom, where he becomes a giant and sends forth ungodly amounts of ammunitions that decimate.
3. Sonic - Ah, yes. The hedgehog. He isn't confirmed, so yes, he still belongs on this list. He would have to be the fastest character in the game. Many of his attacks would center around him spinning and attacking, and making Jigglypuff give up her spin assault from Melee. Sonic's Super Smash isn't really all that amazing, but it's got the highest chance of hitting an enemy. He launches into the air, begins to spin and if anyone is within a direct line of sight with him, he'll launch at them multiple times, or if multiple enemies are within the eye sight he will bounce from one to another.
2. Dudes From Contra - Now, I bet you're thinking that this is a bad idea. I say, fuck you. These two are the Ice Climbers... Only... Good. Strong and quick long range attacks, the AI on your teammate is actually decent, and if the main one dies, you take over the secondary. They can also throw down some good close range fisticuffs. As you might expect, the Super Smash is Destroy All, an explosion that damages everyone in the level.
1. Andrew W.K. - His run is an attack, it's called the W.K Stride. When he goes into party mode, he doesn't move much, but he starts slam dancing and kicking ass (good for groups of enemies). His jump is weak, but his powerful stomp can stun his adversaries. He is the ultimate close range fighter, and the crowd always cheers for him regardless of what he is doing in the game. And for his Super Smash? Known as Party, Party, Party, Andrew steps onto a stage, and begins to sing, attracting the crowd onto the level, and invoking mosh pits, damaging all opponents.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Top Five Reasons to See Grindhouse
Despite having done very poorly in the box office on opening weekend, Grindhouse is still a worthy movie of any true fan of... Well, anything zombie or action related. Why? Keep reading.
5. Boobs - Oh, there certainly are boobs in it, and I'm not talking about Ms. Garrison boobs, I'm talking four star hotel boobs, and they get jibbly, oh lord do they get jibbly.
4. Kurt Russell Gets the Beating he Deserves - Now don't get me wrong, Kurt has done many a good movie, but some of his most recent (Poseidon, and Sky High) have been so unworthy that I grew a tumor on my spine that's been whispering things into my ear. Some of which are about my completely unhealthy obsession with Lindsay Lohan, but mainly center around the need for Kurt to take a boot to the face. And by God, has this movie satisfied the tumor's thirst.
3. Ass Kickery - The amount of unnecessary blood, violence, and gore in Grindhouse made my brain shoot a load out of my eye. From zombie power pimple popping to knives in the most arousing of orifices, this movie gave my calm collective nerve center the ass raping it was asking for.
2. Fornication of the Human Turkey Variety - You really just need to see the movie to understand that one.
1. Solid American Cinema - When two great directors get together and make a combo movie of epic proportions, the results are sometimes lacking. Wait, what the fuck am I talking about? That never happens, and this movie is a testament to that. Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino come together and make a combo movie that is both uniquely their own. This shit is just good.
5. Boobs - Oh, there certainly are boobs in it, and I'm not talking about Ms. Garrison boobs, I'm talking four star hotel boobs, and they get jibbly, oh lord do they get jibbly.
4. Kurt Russell Gets the Beating he Deserves - Now don't get me wrong, Kurt has done many a good movie, but some of his most recent (Poseidon, and Sky High) have been so unworthy that I grew a tumor on my spine that's been whispering things into my ear. Some of which are about my completely unhealthy obsession with Lindsay Lohan, but mainly center around the need for Kurt to take a boot to the face. And by God, has this movie satisfied the tumor's thirst.
3. Ass Kickery - The amount of unnecessary blood, violence, and gore in Grindhouse made my brain shoot a load out of my eye. From zombie power pimple popping to knives in the most arousing of orifices, this movie gave my calm collective nerve center the ass raping it was asking for.
2. Fornication of the Human Turkey Variety - You really just need to see the movie to understand that one.
1. Solid American Cinema - When two great directors get together and make a combo movie of epic proportions, the results are sometimes lacking. Wait, what the fuck am I talking about? That never happens, and this movie is a testament to that. Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino come together and make a combo movie that is both uniquely their own. This shit is just good.
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Top Five Advantages of Being Resurrected
Its Easter Sunday, and the management here at Top Fives decided to save you from having to go to your Easter Church Service by writing down the highlights of what your priest/pastor is going to say. Without further Adieu, here is our Easter edition:
5. It's Better than Slim Fast - Its almost Bikini season, and you gotta reduce those size of those thighs. You could try cutting down on fats and complex carbs, or you could get crucified, dead, and buried. In a few days, you will walk the earth again, able to fit into that Speedo of yours. My brother was resurrected, and he looks GREAT.(Editors Note: Stock up on Axe. The Decaying Flesh scent does not attract ladies.)
4. New Body, No More Herpes - Its a general rule that when resurrected, you are working with a clean slate. Finally you can live down that weekend in Tijuana.
3. Prove Your Lineage - Resurrected people tend to be big deals. If you get resurrected, you must put the Capital B in Boss.
2. Makes a Great Party Trick - That week you spent at Magic Camp has not helped you in your quest to impress your peers. Next time you are at a gathering, find a suitable way to die, then come back to life. Bitches dig that shit.
1. You get to Fucking Live Again - Resurrection is another excuse to do the same stupid shit that got you killed in the first place.
5. It's Better than Slim Fast - Its almost Bikini season, and you gotta reduce those size of those thighs. You could try cutting down on fats and complex carbs, or you could get crucified, dead, and buried. In a few days, you will walk the earth again, able to fit into that Speedo of yours. My brother was resurrected, and he looks GREAT.(Editors Note: Stock up on Axe. The Decaying Flesh scent does not attract ladies.)
4. New Body, No More Herpes - Its a general rule that when resurrected, you are working with a clean slate. Finally you can live down that weekend in Tijuana.
3. Prove Your Lineage - Resurrected people tend to be big deals. If you get resurrected, you must put the Capital B in Boss.
2. Makes a Great Party Trick - That week you spent at Magic Camp has not helped you in your quest to impress your peers. Next time you are at a gathering, find a suitable way to die, then come back to life. Bitches dig that shit.
1. You get to Fucking Live Again - Resurrection is another excuse to do the same stupid shit that got you killed in the first place.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Top 5 Reasons to Own a VW
5. It's like Joining a Family - A German mob family. You mess with one VW owner, you mess with every VW owner. Stereotypicly, most VW owners like to hike. Have you seen what kinda shape hikers are in? Yeah, they'll kick your ass like it was a stuffed kitten.
4. European Cars Are Built Tough - Think about it. Germans like to drink. Germans also like to drive. So since the odds of them drinking and driving were pretty high, they figure why not do it while surrounded by 1279 airbags... Just in case.
3. Unlimited Tuning - Lets face it, as humans we like to tweak things. Take Tim Taylor on tool time for example, or that computer you bought that needed more RAM. Your car is the same way, you want to tweak it. So why not do it with something that has infinite potential?
2. Hitler Started VW - When was the last time Hitler had a bad idea? And no, you're wrong. That was a great idea... he just got a little carried away.
1. It's Not a Honda - Don't get me wrong now, civics have their place. They are perfect for the Hispanic kids from Lawrence, or a 45 year old business man who wants to save a bit on gas. But for those of us interested in a more than moderately gentle commute... VW in da haus.
4. European Cars Are Built Tough - Think about it. Germans like to drink. Germans also like to drive. So since the odds of them drinking and driving were pretty high, they figure why not do it while surrounded by 1279 airbags... Just in case.
3. Unlimited Tuning - Lets face it, as humans we like to tweak things. Take Tim Taylor on tool time for example, or that computer you bought that needed more RAM. Your car is the same way, you want to tweak it. So why not do it with something that has infinite potential?
2. Hitler Started VW - When was the last time Hitler had a bad idea? And no, you're wrong. That was a great idea... he just got a little carried away.
1. It's Not a Honda - Don't get me wrong now, civics have their place. They are perfect for the Hispanic kids from Lawrence, or a 45 year old business man who wants to save a bit on gas. But for those of us interested in a more than moderately gentle commute... VW in da haus.
Monday, April 2, 2007
Top Five Reasons Man Boobs Will Never Be Better Than The Real Thing
The debate has raged on for years, and it's finally time to settle the score once and for all. This will go down in history as the first time anyone has truly taken a stand against the injustice of jubblies everywhere.
5. Copies Generally Aren't Better Than the Original - It isn't often you come across something that is a knock-off of something else and is superior to it. They lose whatever it was that had us craving for the original in the first place, and when the original is a booby, you might as well present me with a rock on a pile of sand, cause nothing can replace those lovely lady lumps.
4. If You Have Man Boobs, You're Probably Fat - And obesely fat at that. I remember seeing a man hold three books under his man boob. Another time, I was mooned and it looked like a giant heart of ass. These are the types of mind torture a person with man boobs can inflict upon the innocent.
3. They Don't Feel Nice - Man boobs feel cancerous and wrong, almost like God hates you for having them, so he just made them mutated to begin with. Saving you the trouble of later killing yourself through a heart attack, he has gracefully implanted a cancer you will never expect.
2. They're Hairy - Some people might think that this shouldn't be on the list, and I call those people gays. Very rarely do I want something I plan to suck on and grope to be covered, even mildly, in hair.
1. They're On Men - Again, gays wouldn't agree with this, but that's why we don't listen to their opinions anyways. Nothing is better than watching big boobed bikini biddies bouncin' by the beach. The B's have it, and I rest my case.
5. Copies Generally Aren't Better Than the Original - It isn't often you come across something that is a knock-off of something else and is superior to it. They lose whatever it was that had us craving for the original in the first place, and when the original is a booby, you might as well present me with a rock on a pile of sand, cause nothing can replace those lovely lady lumps.
4. If You Have Man Boobs, You're Probably Fat - And obesely fat at that. I remember seeing a man hold three books under his man boob. Another time, I was mooned and it looked like a giant heart of ass. These are the types of mind torture a person with man boobs can inflict upon the innocent.
3. They Don't Feel Nice - Man boobs feel cancerous and wrong, almost like God hates you for having them, so he just made them mutated to begin with. Saving you the trouble of later killing yourself through a heart attack, he has gracefully implanted a cancer you will never expect.
2. They're Hairy - Some people might think that this shouldn't be on the list, and I call those people gays. Very rarely do I want something I plan to suck on and grope to be covered, even mildly, in hair.
1. They're On Men - Again, gays wouldn't agree with this, but that's why we don't listen to their opinions anyways. Nothing is better than watching big boobed bikini biddies bouncin' by the beach. The B's have it, and I rest my case.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)