Getting wasted is good. Being an alcoholic is bad. These are the top five worst parts of drinking, and hopefully we'll convince some people to just put the bottle down before they shit themselves, again.
5. Hangover - Although preventable or reduced by either induced yomiting (vomiting), water consumption before passy-outtie, or any number of other tricks (I hear drinking in moderation also helps, but fuck that), this is still a major downfall of drinking. You could have the greatest night of your life, and then wake up to find you're about to have the worst day of your life. You know something has gone awry when rock and roll and the sun make you want to die.
4. Unwarranted Destruction - You've done it, I've done it, someone else has probably done it. Broken something by accident, and by accident I mean drunken stupidity. When you don't know them, or if you don't like them it doesn't really matter, but when you break your friend's parent's Ride-Or-Be-Ridden sex toy, it's full on Bad News Bears.
3. Everyone Will Know You're a Light Weight - Not everyone can be Pat Himes... Or Sink Sean Reynolds. Try drinking slowly, or mixing your drinks lightly, but one of these days you're going to get wasted much faster than everyone else and you know what? They're all going to laugh at you, mainly because you have a small dick and wanted them to see, but regardless, you'll be the center of some very unwanted attention, and will probably end up being written, peed, and stacked upon.
2. Rape - It's either rape, or be raped. Or fondled. Or groped. Or molested. Bring roofies and keep a sharp eye on your drink, and try not to pass out while in the presence of a large black man named Buba, they always like young suburban man ass.
1. Overall Bad Decision Making - Tequila, girl, broken glass, cops, herpes. That's all that needs to be said.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Monday, June 18, 2007
Top Five Penile Upgrades
Now, I'm not saying the penis needs upgrades, I mean, well, not to brag, but mine can satisfy three women and two men at the same time. What I'm saying here is if someone of Michael Moore's penile structure (small and child-like), or his wallet size were to want to improve their near-manhood without lengthening or thickening, this is the path they would take.
5. Chrome - How didn't you see this one coming? It's like instead of getting a Porsche because you have a small dick, you chrome your dick so it looks much cooler, but in the end, you still can't satisfy women... And you're dick is now probably useless (Not that it wasn't in the first place).
4. Spikes - The only problem with this is the more easily you can afford it, the less spikes your penis will be able to hold. There's a long complicated math formula for determining ones penis length based on the size of his bank account and profession, but I'm not going to go into it now. Spikes, people. They tear vaginas apart.
3. Metal Balls - No more grabbing your groin and falling down in pain. Also, no more children, so freeze some sperm before you go ahead with this. Of course, if you're like me, you don't need this kind of upgrade. God has personally touched my balls and blessed them. Is that gay?
2. Improved Lube Reservoir - In case you weren't aware, male genitalia does have a lubricant creation station. However, it's a bit lacking. What we need is more lube, and lubier lube! It'll be like the penis' sub weapon. It would probably look like we were peeing, but with a massive erection.
1. Auto-Jack Off - Think of it like having a friend put a vibrating, heated, flesh lite on your johnson and... Well, you can figure the rest out on your own. Women wouldn't be needed anymore. We'd be free to play video games all day and let our auto-jackers beat our meat until our balls detach from our bodies. I can't wait!
5. Chrome - How didn't you see this one coming? It's like instead of getting a Porsche because you have a small dick, you chrome your dick so it looks much cooler, but in the end, you still can't satisfy women... And you're dick is now probably useless (Not that it wasn't in the first place).
4. Spikes - The only problem with this is the more easily you can afford it, the less spikes your penis will be able to hold. There's a long complicated math formula for determining ones penis length based on the size of his bank account and profession, but I'm not going to go into it now. Spikes, people. They tear vaginas apart.
3. Metal Balls - No more grabbing your groin and falling down in pain. Also, no more children, so freeze some sperm before you go ahead with this. Of course, if you're like me, you don't need this kind of upgrade. God has personally touched my balls and blessed them. Is that gay?
2. Improved Lube Reservoir - In case you weren't aware, male genitalia does have a lubricant creation station. However, it's a bit lacking. What we need is more lube, and lubier lube! It'll be like the penis' sub weapon. It would probably look like we were peeing, but with a massive erection.
1. Auto-Jack Off - Think of it like having a friend put a vibrating, heated, flesh lite on your johnson and... Well, you can figure the rest out on your own. Women wouldn't be needed anymore. We'd be free to play video games all day and let our auto-jackers beat our meat until our balls detach from our bodies. I can't wait!
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Top Five Reasons I'm Going To Get Cereal
5. You Are Boring Me - It's true. I'm really not entertained at all by talking to you. I mean you go on and on about how your mom has cancer or you dad was caught with an Asian prostitute or how you found a $45 solution to global warming. Who gives a shit? All I'm saying is i would much rather spend my time eating cereal than listening to you talk.
4. It's The Only Thing That Makes Me Happy - At the end of the day, I always know that cereal will be there for me to fill the empty void that is my existence... I mean stomach. Yeah, stomach. Fag.
3. Need Fuel For Power Hour - What, like you don't before you go to bed. Don't lie.
2. I Promised Your Mom Breakfast in Bed - I just didn't tell her breakfast was at 12 am, in MY bed. Oh, she wanted me to remind you to let the dog out in the morning, cause she won't be home in the morning. She'll be in my bed. With me. Doin' it.
1. I'm Hungry! - Why else do you eat cereal? Crunchatize Me Captain!
4. It's The Only Thing That Makes Me Happy - At the end of the day, I always know that cereal will be there for me to fill the empty void that is my existence... I mean stomach. Yeah, stomach. Fag.
3. Need Fuel For Power Hour - What, like you don't before you go to bed. Don't lie.
2. I Promised Your Mom Breakfast in Bed - I just didn't tell her breakfast was at 12 am, in MY bed. Oh, she wanted me to remind you to let the dog out in the morning, cause she won't be home in the morning. She'll be in my bed. With me. Doin' it.
1. I'm Hungry! - Why else do you eat cereal? Crunchatize Me Captain!
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Top Five Reasons Nick Would Go M.I.A.
Last night was frightening, folks. My jolly and mostly hetero life mate, Nick, was no where to be found. In a frantic attempt to find my lost brethren, I used that omnipotent, glorious device known as the Internet to check his away message. The only information i could gather from this was that, wherever he was, he had Swamp Ass. Things were graver than i had expected. Luckily, Nick appeared today, unscathed and maybe even dry-assed. Well, we here at Top Fives speculated where Nick could have been in those hours of darkness. Without further adieu, the Top Five reasons Nick would disappear like that.
5. Joined the Three Six Mafia - Don't hate, the kid flows like Jay-Z after a box of Ex-Lax.
4. There was a Slight Weapons Malfunction - But everything is perfectly alright, now. We're fine, we're all fine, here, now, thank you. How are you?
3. Succumbed to Terrorism - Now that Nick has his cushy government job, he has become the primary target of every towel-headed Camel Jockey who has a boner for Holy War.
2. All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet - If there is one thing Nick likes more than hot man chicken and experience points, its food. Now, god forbid, that some establishment could create a spread that would take this unstoppable eating machine more than 45 minutes to decimate, the consequences would be dire. The amount of food and small children that would be consumed in the crossfire would leave even the Middle East in awe.
1. The American Dream - Well, Nick has about had it with the tumultuous life in suburban New Hampshire. He up and left his for a new life, one that consists of more than just bacon sandwiches and Power-Hour Masturbation. He left into the great wide open, and eloped with his gay lover, who happens to be President of the Nashville Handle-Bar Mustache Club. Live the Dream, Nick. Live the Dream.
5. Joined the Three Six Mafia - Don't hate, the kid flows like Jay-Z after a box of Ex-Lax.
4. There was a Slight Weapons Malfunction - But everything is perfectly alright, now. We're fine, we're all fine, here, now, thank you. How are you?
3. Succumbed to Terrorism - Now that Nick has his cushy government job, he has become the primary target of every towel-headed Camel Jockey who has a boner for Holy War.
2. All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet - If there is one thing Nick likes more than hot man chicken and experience points, its food. Now, god forbid, that some establishment could create a spread that would take this unstoppable eating machine more than 45 minutes to decimate, the consequences would be dire. The amount of food and small children that would be consumed in the crossfire would leave even the Middle East in awe.
1. The American Dream - Well, Nick has about had it with the tumultuous life in suburban New Hampshire. He up and left his for a new life, one that consists of more than just bacon sandwiches and Power-Hour Masturbation. He left into the great wide open, and eloped with his gay lover, who happens to be President of the Nashville Handle-Bar Mustache Club. Live the Dream, Nick. Live the Dream.
Top Five Reasons You Should Click All Those Links On The Right
5. You Might Find Something Useful - Who knows? I don't even know what those links are for, but who knows? If you click it it might be the second best website you went to today? Right behind the Top Five. Okay, maybe third best, behind the Top Five, and that beastiality site you found "by accident."
4. If You Click Each One 3 Times... - The Magical Internet Fairy* will visit your computer and sprinkle its magical dust** on your PC and you will never have lag again!
* The Magical Intenet Fairy is actually Neee in a fairy suit.
** The Magical Dust is actually metal filings and might actually fry your processor.
3. We Told You To - Don't lie, you have no personal opinion or free will. You do as we say and thats the end of it. Now make me a sandwich! With some waffle fries.
2. We Make Money, and Might Make Shirts - It's true, we make money each time you click those links. Not much at all, but some, and whats good for us is good for you. If we make enough, and there is interest, we might make shirts with awesome Top Five graphics on them. Sink!
1. The Count Is Down - This is just unacceptable. The number on clicks this past month, is lower than when we first started the Five and had like, 3 readers, one of which was Neee's mom... So click the links before we rape every single one of you. Oh, and thanks for supporting the Top Five! Your reader loyalty is what keeps us going with this thing. But CLICK THE LINKS DAMMIT!
4. If You Click Each One 3 Times... - The Magical Internet Fairy* will visit your computer and sprinkle its magical dust** on your PC and you will never have lag again!
* The Magical Intenet Fairy is actually Neee in a fairy suit.
** The Magical Dust is actually metal filings and might actually fry your processor.
3. We Told You To - Don't lie, you have no personal opinion or free will. You do as we say and thats the end of it. Now make me a sandwich! With some waffle fries.
2. We Make Money, and Might Make Shirts - It's true, we make money each time you click those links. Not much at all, but some, and whats good for us is good for you. If we make enough, and there is interest, we might make shirts with awesome Top Five graphics on them. Sink!
1. The Count Is Down - This is just unacceptable. The number on clicks this past month, is lower than when we first started the Five and had like, 3 readers, one of which was Neee's mom... So click the links before we rape every single one of you. Oh, and thanks for supporting the Top Five! Your reader loyalty is what keeps us going with this thing. But CLICK THE LINKS DAMMIT!
Monday, June 11, 2007
Top Five Reasons to Shave Your Pubes.
I was watching the Presidential Debates a few days ago and a question was posed to the candidates about their thoughts and beliefs on pubic landscaping. While it's a touchy subject up on Capital Hill, nothing here at Top Fives is sacred. Lets get this going!
5. It Totally Makes Your Johnson Look Bigger - Kumar, like the Dali Llama before him, sat upon his throne of enlightenment and uttered those words with sage-like wisdom. Take this with you, people, and be merry! I mean, its not like I need to do make it look bigger. Its friggin' huge. Generally speaking. Well, its certainly not that small. Hmm. Next point.
4. To Piss Off Your Roommates - Lets be honest. That hair that is scattered across your bathroom like it was dropped from a goddamn Crop Duster can only come from one place. Its inevitable that your roommates will suspect the worse when he finds it on his toothbrush. So, you might as well have some fun with it. Explore your surroundings. In my experience, I highly recommend the kitchen and passenger seat of his car.
3. Physics - Mathematically, it makes sense to shave your pubes. Theres less wind resistance, therefore you may thrust with such great justice and glory, the kind of justice and glory that has only been transcribed in The Great Gatsby. I.E. A Torpedo.
2. Convenient Navigation - Remember when Cortez traveled across the Atlantic in search of vast riches and comical genocide? Well, much to his dismay, he had to navigate his way through the dense underbrush of the South American Rainforest, risking life and limb. Its an analogy people. Don't be that guy.
1. Artistic Outlet - Well, while you are down there trimmin' the hedges, might as well get creative with it. I once had fashioned Burt Reynolds into my Pubis, and needless to say, the ladies loved it.
5. It Totally Makes Your Johnson Look Bigger - Kumar, like the Dali Llama before him, sat upon his throne of enlightenment and uttered those words with sage-like wisdom. Take this with you, people, and be merry! I mean, its not like I need to do make it look bigger. Its friggin' huge. Generally speaking. Well, its certainly not that small. Hmm. Next point.
4. To Piss Off Your Roommates - Lets be honest. That hair that is scattered across your bathroom like it was dropped from a goddamn Crop Duster can only come from one place. Its inevitable that your roommates will suspect the worse when he finds it on his toothbrush. So, you might as well have some fun with it. Explore your surroundings. In my experience, I highly recommend the kitchen and passenger seat of his car.
3. Physics - Mathematically, it makes sense to shave your pubes. Theres less wind resistance, therefore you may thrust with such great justice and glory, the kind of justice and glory that has only been transcribed in The Great Gatsby. I.E. A Torpedo.
2. Convenient Navigation - Remember when Cortez traveled across the Atlantic in search of vast riches and comical genocide? Well, much to his dismay, he had to navigate his way through the dense underbrush of the South American Rainforest, risking life and limb. Its an analogy people. Don't be that guy.
1. Artistic Outlet - Well, while you are down there trimmin' the hedges, might as well get creative with it. I once had fashioned Burt Reynolds into my Pubis, and needless to say, the ladies loved it.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Top 5 Worst Ways To Die
This one is a reader submission. Not in the sexual sense...well..maybe? But anyways, here you go! Thanks Courtney! (The Canadian)
5.) The Jerry Springer Show - Let us establish something first: Hell hath no fury like a cross-dressing midget who’s wife just revealed to the world that she was impregnated by three out of the four members of White Snake. And when said midget comes at you with a folding chair, you’re going to wish your papa never plugged your mamma at that drive-in theater twenty years ago. It’s not the hit that will kill you, however – your demise will come via the stampede of rioting audience members who break through the bodyguards to get closer to their beloved JERRY! JERRY! As your broken body expels what is left in your dying bowels, remember that this lovely sight will go down in Jerry Springer history, which will play over and over again on clip shows. Your death will be the delight of knocked up teenagers and NASCAR fans everywhere. Does that make you happy?
4.) Cock Fight - Imagine, if you will, your funeral. Imagine that people care enough to come to your funeral. Then imagine this conversation going on at sad funeral:
Friend 1: This is so tragic. How did he die?
Friend 2: Cock fight.
Friend 1: . . . excuse me?
Friend 2: he fell into the middle of a cock fight. It wasn’t pretty.
Friend 1: I . . . bet it wasn’t.
Sorry to break it to you, slick, but Friend 1 will assume that ‘Cock’, in this case, meant ‘Penis’. And not just any penis, mind you, but big, black, sodomizing penis. Good luck getting that street named after you now, faggot.
3.) Historical Reenactment - Sometimes, very lonely men dress up as soldiers from the Civil War and fight each other. With fake guns. If you are one of these special people, and find yourself dying from massive blood loss in a ditch, remember that it only gets worse. Because they never check the field of battle afterwards (Because, lets face it, there really isn’t any battle), you’ll be left out there to die alone, questioning your choice to fight as a fake Confederate soldier. When the police do find your body, however, your attire will point to the obvious – you will be named as a crazed racist who believed that the institution of slavery should live on. Your wife will be killed by the Reverend Al Sharpton. Your son will serve fate number 4 on this list – and not the rooster fate. The big black penis fate.
2.) Siamese Twin Separation Surgery - I’m sure the operation is horrible. But the worse part would be being the loser twin who actually died said operation. From then on, you’d be known as the overgrown tumor. The overgrown tumor that was attached to that weird, disfigured kid who always took two milks at school lunch. Motherfucker.
1.) Communism - Dying because all of your food and worldly possessions were taken by a well-dressed dictator is rough enough. Your death, however, will give power to every university yuppie, capitalist, and Republican. They will stand on their pile of poverty-stricken orphans, point to your rotting corpse, and say “See, I told you it didn’t work”. They will go on to pick up a tall mocha latte from Starbucks and flip through the Fox News webpage on their iBook. While listening to their mother fucking iPod. How do you feel now, you Russian bastard? Your death supported the growth of Macintosh Computers and really overpriced coffee beverages. How the fuck do you sleep at night?
Deaths That Didn’t Make the List - Corn Cob, Postal Service, The Holocaust.
5.) The Jerry Springer Show - Let us establish something first: Hell hath no fury like a cross-dressing midget who’s wife just revealed to the world that she was impregnated by three out of the four members of White Snake. And when said midget comes at you with a folding chair, you’re going to wish your papa never plugged your mamma at that drive-in theater twenty years ago. It’s not the hit that will kill you, however – your demise will come via the stampede of rioting audience members who break through the bodyguards to get closer to their beloved JERRY! JERRY! As your broken body expels what is left in your dying bowels, remember that this lovely sight will go down in Jerry Springer history, which will play over and over again on clip shows. Your death will be the delight of knocked up teenagers and NASCAR fans everywhere. Does that make you happy?
4.) Cock Fight - Imagine, if you will, your funeral. Imagine that people care enough to come to your funeral. Then imagine this conversation going on at sad funeral:
Friend 1: This is so tragic. How did he die?
Friend 2: Cock fight.
Friend 1: . . . excuse me?
Friend 2: he fell into the middle of a cock fight. It wasn’t pretty.
Friend 1: I . . . bet it wasn’t.
Sorry to break it to you, slick, but Friend 1 will assume that ‘Cock’, in this case, meant ‘Penis’. And not just any penis, mind you, but big, black, sodomizing penis. Good luck getting that street named after you now, faggot.
3.) Historical Reenactment - Sometimes, very lonely men dress up as soldiers from the Civil War and fight each other. With fake guns. If you are one of these special people, and find yourself dying from massive blood loss in a ditch, remember that it only gets worse. Because they never check the field of battle afterwards (Because, lets face it, there really isn’t any battle), you’ll be left out there to die alone, questioning your choice to fight as a fake Confederate soldier. When the police do find your body, however, your attire will point to the obvious – you will be named as a crazed racist who believed that the institution of slavery should live on. Your wife will be killed by the Reverend Al Sharpton. Your son will serve fate number 4 on this list – and not the rooster fate. The big black penis fate.
2.) Siamese Twin Separation Surgery - I’m sure the operation is horrible. But the worse part would be being the loser twin who actually died said operation. From then on, you’d be known as the overgrown tumor. The overgrown tumor that was attached to that weird, disfigured kid who always took two milks at school lunch. Motherfucker.
1.) Communism - Dying because all of your food and worldly possessions were taken by a well-dressed dictator is rough enough. Your death, however, will give power to every university yuppie, capitalist, and Republican. They will stand on their pile of poverty-stricken orphans, point to your rotting corpse, and say “See, I told you it didn’t work”. They will go on to pick up a tall mocha latte from Starbucks and flip through the Fox News webpage on their iBook. While listening to their mother fucking iPod. How do you feel now, you Russian bastard? Your death supported the growth of Macintosh Computers and really overpriced coffee beverages. How the fuck do you sleep at night?
Deaths That Didn’t Make the List - Corn Cob, Postal Service, The Holocaust.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Neeee's Top Five Special Abilities
It's true, I am amazing, and with that in mind, I thought I'd give you all a taste of the goodness that is me. These are my top five special abilities (that you can know about without me having to kill you).
5. Power Sit - I can kill a man with a single sit. I'm not proud of it, but it's happened, and it can again, so back the fuck off before I put my ass where your body is.
4. Rape - What do you mean this isn't a special ability? Well of course everyone can rape, that's obvious you moron. To me, rape is an art form. I am like the Picasso of forcing myself inside of women.
3. Speed Shit - In and out in under two minutes, if all goes well. I am completely serious with this one people. I don't pretend like I understand why or how. It comes in handy... Well, pretty much whenever I shit. I am quite the opposite of my father, who brings in today's newspaper, the bible, and the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
2. Man Boob Slap - This sounds like a Pokemon attack. I don't really need to explain this, you can either imagine (you probably don't want to), have seen it, or have been struck by it, and if you have been struck by it, you know of its scarring and IQ dropping properties.
1. Instant Ejaculation - The title of this one kind of stretches the truth a bit. It isn't truly instant, it's more like, touch, two second pause, spurt spurt. Kind of like waking the angry drunk. You poke at him, and he slowly rolls over, opens an eye, and spits at you, then rolls back over and sleeps.
5. Power Sit - I can kill a man with a single sit. I'm not proud of it, but it's happened, and it can again, so back the fuck off before I put my ass where your body is.
4. Rape - What do you mean this isn't a special ability? Well of course everyone can rape, that's obvious you moron. To me, rape is an art form. I am like the Picasso of forcing myself inside of women.
3. Speed Shit - In and out in under two minutes, if all goes well. I am completely serious with this one people. I don't pretend like I understand why or how. It comes in handy... Well, pretty much whenever I shit. I am quite the opposite of my father, who brings in today's newspaper, the bible, and the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
2. Man Boob Slap - This sounds like a Pokemon attack. I don't really need to explain this, you can either imagine (you probably don't want to), have seen it, or have been struck by it, and if you have been struck by it, you know of its scarring and IQ dropping properties.
1. Instant Ejaculation - The title of this one kind of stretches the truth a bit. It isn't truly instant, it's more like, touch, two second pause, spurt spurt. Kind of like waking the angry drunk. You poke at him, and he slowly rolls over, opens an eye, and spits at you, then rolls back over and sleeps.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Top 5 Nickelodeon Shows From The 90's
5. GUTS (or Global GUTS) - You remember, 3 kids from around the country, or the world in the case of Global GUTS, would battle it out in awesome little competitions that really didn't matter, because when it came down to the end, it was all about the "Agro-Crag." Even tho they had cool nicknames and knee pads, we all knew we could do better. But it was still fun watching Jose' (Laser) from Mexico try to play basket ball while hanging from a huge bungee cord. Plus Mike O'Malley hosted it with some Austrailian chick! Whats not to like?
4. Rocko's Modern Life - This show really had no plot. It was just a bunch of random shit with really weird characters. Lets see, Rocko was a wallaby, Heffer was his best friend (a fat cow), his neighbors were toads who were clearly doin' it all the time, and I think he had a pet dog too. Man, that sounds oddly like my life.
3. Doug - Doug was just awesome. From the obvious rainbow of skin colors, probably to teach us about equality (what a joke, hah, equality) to the life lessons about lusting after the hottest chick in school (Patty Mayonnaise), Doug was truly a show worth watching. Speaking of Doug's big crush, we all knew it would end up like this...
2. The Adventures of Pete and Pete - This show was just a great show about being a kid. From that magical "extra" hour we get from daylight savings time, to renewing your penny's good luck by having a train run over it. This was just a classic. Plus if I recall right, Pete had a tattoo of a girl on his arm he could make dance and distract his dad. Priceless.
1. Are You Afraid Of The Dark - Everyone loved this show. Every week a bunch of kids would go to a campfire somewhere, and start to share a scary story, at which point the show would then show us. We all got scared, don't lie you homo. Every week was a new story, and they were all good, and somewhat scary. Can't ask for more, and if you do then you're a selfish idiot.
4. Rocko's Modern Life - This show really had no plot. It was just a bunch of random shit with really weird characters. Lets see, Rocko was a wallaby, Heffer was his best friend (a fat cow), his neighbors were toads who were clearly doin' it all the time, and I think he had a pet dog too. Man, that sounds oddly like my life.
3. Doug - Doug was just awesome. From the obvious rainbow of skin colors, probably to teach us about equality (what a joke, hah, equality) to the life lessons about lusting after the hottest chick in school (Patty Mayonnaise), Doug was truly a show worth watching. Speaking of Doug's big crush, we all knew it would end up like this...
2. The Adventures of Pete and Pete - This show was just a great show about being a kid. From that magical "extra" hour we get from daylight savings time, to renewing your penny's good luck by having a train run over it. This was just a classic. Plus if I recall right, Pete had a tattoo of a girl on his arm he could make dance and distract his dad. Priceless.
1. Are You Afraid Of The Dark - Everyone loved this show. Every week a bunch of kids would go to a campfire somewhere, and start to share a scary story, at which point the show would then show us. We all got scared, don't lie you homo. Every week was a new story, and they were all good, and somewhat scary. Can't ask for more, and if you do then you're a selfish idiot.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Top Five Things the Loch Ness Monster Could Be
He has new video footage of him somewhere... If you're interested in it, either look yourselves, or ask, I'm pretty sure I can find it. Anyways, top five things Nessy could be.
5. A Pocket of Gas Reflecting Light From Jupiter - Pockets of gas reflecting light have done more bizarre things than this. The Great Chicago Fire, the Titanic, Elvis, the Dark Ages. The list goes on!
4. A Big Fucking Dino-Fish - I'm no scientist, but that shits sick! I mean, if Nessy was real, yeah, that'd be the most balla thing this century, in terms of science. In terms of non-science, I am the most balla thing ever.
3. My Dick - What can I say? It's big... And scaly! And... Has somehow detached from my body and has been roaming Scotland for longer than I have been alive. Yeah, my penis is just that good. (Who didn't see that one coming? Seriously.)
2. Queen Elizabeth II's Disowned Child - She doesn't want to talk about it, and neither do I! Well, actually I do. It was back in the 40's, she was 39 and a cougar if ever I were to see one. We were at this party... Lots and lots of booze. Long story short, she went naked in the big ass prehistoric fish tank.
1. A Giant Sentient Extraterrestrial Turd - You may not understand why now, but someday, when we have the technology, we will be able to make our turds sentient too. The possibilities of turds are endless! First they will be the next generation of Pet Rocks, and then sentient turds will replace soldiers and workers. Soon after, cybernetic turds. That's when we can stop working, and let our shit do our work for us. Sink! As for what's in the lake? That's a big fucking dookie with eyes from Mars. They're just keeping an eye on the Scottish. Something we should all try to do. They're tricky bastards.
5. A Pocket of Gas Reflecting Light From Jupiter - Pockets of gas reflecting light have done more bizarre things than this. The Great Chicago Fire, the Titanic, Elvis, the Dark Ages. The list goes on!
4. A Big Fucking Dino-Fish - I'm no scientist, but that shits sick! I mean, if Nessy was real, yeah, that'd be the most balla thing this century, in terms of science. In terms of non-science, I am the most balla thing ever.
3. My Dick - What can I say? It's big... And scaly! And... Has somehow detached from my body and has been roaming Scotland for longer than I have been alive. Yeah, my penis is just that good. (Who didn't see that one coming? Seriously.)
2. Queen Elizabeth II's Disowned Child - She doesn't want to talk about it, and neither do I! Well, actually I do. It was back in the 40's, she was 39 and a cougar if ever I were to see one. We were at this party... Lots and lots of booze. Long story short, she went naked in the big ass prehistoric fish tank.
1. A Giant Sentient Extraterrestrial Turd - You may not understand why now, but someday, when we have the technology, we will be able to make our turds sentient too. The possibilities of turds are endless! First they will be the next generation of Pet Rocks, and then sentient turds will replace soldiers and workers. Soon after, cybernetic turds. That's when we can stop working, and let our shit do our work for us. Sink! As for what's in the lake? That's a big fucking dookie with eyes from Mars. They're just keeping an eye on the Scottish. Something we should all try to do. They're tricky bastards.
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Top 5 Things Every Guy Should Know Part 1
I say part 1 because lets face it, we need to know more than 5 things. Let's just consider these 5 things, the top 5 of the night.
5. If There is Grass on the Field, Play Ball - And if nothing is growing, plant some seeds...
4. Lid Down: Only for Brown - No one wants to sit on a wet seat, and we all know the aiming changes every time, so we won't hold it against you. But do everyone, especially the ladies (they won't let this one go), and help keep the seat clean for special occasions.
3. There is Nothing Better than a Blumpkin - As Peeee would describe this, it is, "The glorious apex of two of the world's greatest creations becoming one." Urban Dictionary if you don't know it, Noob.
2. There is no Honor in Puking in a Toilet - Granted there is no shame in it either. It happens to the best of us, but please, if you must yak, do it in/on something funny, or perhaps expensive, to make the story that much more glorious.
1. Bros Before Hoes - She may be hot, and she might be an amazing cook, or just great in bed, but remember your bros come first. Because, after the break-ups, the knock-ups, and the burn of that potential STD subsides, your bros will always be there to help you get back on your feet, and call you a huge homo.
5. If There is Grass on the Field, Play Ball - And if nothing is growing, plant some seeds...
4. Lid Down: Only for Brown - No one wants to sit on a wet seat, and we all know the aiming changes every time, so we won't hold it against you. But do everyone, especially the ladies (they won't let this one go), and help keep the seat clean for special occasions.
3. There is Nothing Better than a Blumpkin - As Peeee would describe this, it is, "The glorious apex of two of the world's greatest creations becoming one." Urban Dictionary if you don't know it, Noob.
2. There is no Honor in Puking in a Toilet - Granted there is no shame in it either. It happens to the best of us, but please, if you must yak, do it in/on something funny, or perhaps expensive, to make the story that much more glorious.
1. Bros Before Hoes - She may be hot, and she might be an amazing cook, or just great in bed, but remember your bros come first. Because, after the break-ups, the knock-ups, and the burn of that potential STD subsides, your bros will always be there to help you get back on your feet, and call you a huge homo.
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