Yeah, well, what do you want from me? This is volunteer work people. Highest turnover rate, ever. Anyways, some sinking and drunken debauchery has occurred since last we Top Fived it. Canada can be marked off the to do list. I'm not sure it'll be the same now that I've shown the Canadians what real men look and act like. I only drove down one road and walked around one city, but I assume the whole country is the same. Which leads me to the Top Five...
Top Five Worst Things About Canada*
5. It Smells Like Shit - Their cities are mighty clean, but before you hit any of those cities plan on suffering through 50 miles of farmland. It's like the planned it so that the entire border to our country would smell like ass and ward off our superior genetics.
4. They Speak French - Prepare to understand 10% of the things and people you encounter. Although that's better than some countries, it's also French. Making it worse.
3. The Private Dance Girls Start Drinking At Noon - We have witnesses, and I know one man in Montreal that had a close encounter of both the sexy, and kick to the head kind. Also, they tend to flick their juices at you. Gross.
2. Their Money Looks Fake - I have a five dollar bill on me right now. The back consists mainly of children playing hockey. Wow. What a nation. The twenty has a boat of random things on it. They either gave up on design, or they just have nothing they cherish as a nation like honor or justice or even glory. Sounds like a pretty shitty country to me.
1. Everyone is Canadian - It's obvious, yes, but you don't seem to understand the significance of it. They're from Canada. They're a people united under one... Leaf. Fucking faggots.
Come back tomorrow** for Top Five Best Things About Canada!
*Note: By Canada, I mean the small amount of the country I've actually been to.
**Also Note: And by tomorrow, I meant the next time I update.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
Well Fuck My Ass
God damn it. Fucking Christ-muffins. Once again, I have returned to the Top Five. This one is for you Creez, you faggot. Since I have nothing better to Top Five, we're going to just mock Pettingrill, cause that's always funny.
Top Five Reasons Pettinfuzz Didn't Post
5. He Was Changing My Oil - Do I mean that sexually? Hah, that's for you to decide.
4. He's Gay - You didn't see this coming? Honestly? What a bunch of idiots. I could go on and on about how he was picking flowers and giving hand jobs to passersby. But, I won't.
3. He Was Partying - This isn't a bad excuse, really. I was there, I saw him partying. He was all reaching over beruit tables and trying to touch random underage chicks. What a true American Hero.
2. He Was Praying to Steve Jobs - That's what Mac users do, right? They're the ones with the goat's blood and chickens I think. Or they slit their wrists. Or both.
1. He Lacks the Testicular Fortitude - We all know it, but we don't speak it. I'm not trying to be cocky, but I have like, the Balls of Zeus. They're just... Mighty. You could compare them to Andre the Giant's fists. Anyways, what I'm getting at is it takes real cannonballs to put your Top Five up for everyone to see. It's like showing your genitals to the world. And I think he's a little afraid of showing us his length.
* Note: Before writing this I had not actually spoken to Pettinfuzz on the matter.
Top Five Reasons Pettinfuzz Didn't Post
5. He Was Changing My Oil - Do I mean that sexually? Hah, that's for you to decide.
4. He's Gay - You didn't see this coming? Honestly? What a bunch of idiots. I could go on and on about how he was picking flowers and giving hand jobs to passersby. But, I won't.
3. He Was Partying - This isn't a bad excuse, really. I was there, I saw him partying. He was all reaching over beruit tables and trying to touch random underage chicks. What a true American Hero.
2. He Was Praying to Steve Jobs - That's what Mac users do, right? They're the ones with the goat's blood and chickens I think. Or they slit their wrists. Or both.
1. He Lacks the Testicular Fortitude - We all know it, but we don't speak it. I'm not trying to be cocky, but I have like, the Balls of Zeus. They're just... Mighty. You could compare them to Andre the Giant's fists. Anyways, what I'm getting at is it takes real cannonballs to put your Top Five up for everyone to see. It's like showing your genitals to the world. And I think he's a little afraid of showing us his length.
* Note: Before writing this I had not actually spoken to Pettinfuzz on the matter.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
OMGZ It's Been 4 Days!
I just realized nee hasnt done an update in a few days. I've got a good one I'll do tonight. Until then, a joke my boss told me yesterday:
So these 2 Indian guys move to America. When they get here, they make a bet over who will become more Americanized over the next year.
One year later they meet up to see who won. The first guy says:
"I've got you beat dude. I drive a Ford, I married a big boobed blond girl, and my kids only shop at Wal-Mart."
The second simply responds with:
"Fuck you towel head."
-Pettenfundle
So these 2 Indian guys move to America. When they get here, they make a bet over who will become more Americanized over the next year.
One year later they meet up to see who won. The first guy says:
"I've got you beat dude. I drive a Ford, I married a big boobed blond girl, and my kids only shop at Wal-Mart."
The second simply responds with:
"Fuck you towel head."
-Pettenfundle
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Sunday Closer
Trying out a new format, we'll see how people like it. No update on Saturday? No. This still is Almost Daily Top Fives, that's not any different. Oh, and I have recently become aware that there actually is eyeball tattooing, so number three from yesterday is henceforth now going to be,
3. The Clitoris - I'm sure the women will appreciate this. Ouch, man. I can't, don't even want to talk about it. It's making me feel sick just thinking about. It'd be like if a giant syringe was attacking our erections, and I don't like when that shit happens.
It's Sunday night, the weekend is over. Shitty tit-tits. It was a decent weekend... Minus me leaving my windows open Friday night and the inside of my car getting soaked. Sunk. Check out this leaked set list for Guitar Hero 3!
4. Music Videos - They're full of explosions, and closeups of the singers face. And during the solos, anything thing can happen. During one, the two guitarists, Herman Li and Sam Totman, are playing a video game where they are themselves and soloing at each other and doing damage and getting combos.
3. Song Length and Solo Length - All of their songs are at least 7 minutes long because every one of them contains a dueling guitar solo that lasts for upwards of three minutes. They solo more on a daily basis than you eat.
2. Songs Combine Everything That is Sick - Power metal, speed metal, epic fantasy metal, lost mountains, endless seas, so far away from home. I mean, nobody has gotten anything that right since God invented boobs.
1. Herman Li - You have no idea, do you? Much like Jesus Christ, Herman Li's mother, Susan Li was touched by the holy spirit and thus, Herman Lee was born. Instead of turning water into wine, Li's magic is much more refined, and he spends much of his time practicing the art of soloing souls into redemption. He is also known for melting faces off and not speaking English very well. I've touched him, true story.
3. The Clitoris - I'm sure the women will appreciate this. Ouch, man. I can't, don't even want to talk about it. It's making me feel sick just thinking about. It'd be like if a giant syringe was attacking our erections, and I don't like when that shit happens.
It's Sunday night, the weekend is over. Shitty tit-tits. It was a decent weekend... Minus me leaving my windows open Friday night and the inside of my car getting soaked. Sunk. Check out this leaked set list for Guitar Hero 3!
Tier 1:
Foghat - Slow Ride
Poison - Talk Dirty to Me
Pat Benatar - Hit Me With Your Best Shot
Social Distortion - Story of My LifeEncore: Kiss - Rock and Roll All Nite
Co-op Encore: Beastie Boys - SabotageTier 2:
Mountain - Mississippi Queen
Alice Cooper - School’s Out
Cream - Sunshine of Your Life
Heart - BarracudaBoss: Tom Morello - Guitar Battle
Encore: Rage Against the Machine - Bull’s on Parade
Co-op Encore: The Strokes - ReptiliaTier 3:
The Killers - When You Were Young
AFI - Miss Murder
The Who - The Seeker
Priestess - Lay DownEncore: Rolling Stones - Paint It Black
Co-op Encore: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Suck My KissTier 4:
Black Sabbath - Paranoid
The Sex Pistols - Anarchy in the UK
Sonic Youth - Kool Thing
Weezer - My Name Is JonasEncore: Pearl Jam - Evenflow
Co-op Encore: Blue Oyster Cult - Cities on Flame with Rock and RollTier 5:
The Dead Kennedy’s - Holiday in Cambodia
Scorpions - Rock You Like a Hurricane
Aerosmith - Same Old Song and Dance
ZZ Top - La GrangeBoss: Slash - Guitar Battle
Encore: Guns N Roses - Welcome to the Jungle
Co-op Encore: Bloc Party - HellicopterTier 6:
Santana - Black Magic Woman
Smashing Pumpkins - Cherub Rock
White Zombie - Black Sunshine
Tenacious D - The MetalEncore: Stevie Ray Vaughn - Pride and Joy
Co-op Encore: Matchbook Romance - MonstersTier 7:
Slipknot - Before I Forget
Disturbed - Stricken
Queens of the Stone Age - 3’s and 7’s
Muse - Knights of CydoniaEncore: Living Colour - Cult of Personality
Tier 8:
Slayer - Raining Blood
Eric Johnson - Cliffs of Dover
Iron Maiden - Number of the Beast
Metallica - OneBoss: Lou - Guitar Battle
Encore: The Devil Went Down to GeorgiaBonus Tracks:
An Endless Sporadic - Impulse
Backyard Babies - Minus Celsius
Bret Michaels Band - Go That Far
Die Toten Hosen - Hier Kommit Alex
Dragonforce - Through the Fire and the Flames
Fall of Troy - FCP Remix
Gallows - In the Belly of a Shark
The Hellacopters - I’m in the Band
Heroes del Silencio - Avalancha
In Flames - Take This Life
Kaiser Chiefs - Ruby
Killswitch Engage - My Curse
LA Slum Lords - Dow
Dave says:
LA Slum Lords - Down N Dirty
Lacuna Coil - Closer
Lions - Metal Heavy Lady
NAAST - Mauvis Garcon
Prototype - The Way It Ends
Revolverhead - Generation Rock
Rise Against - Prayer of the Refugee
Scouts of St. Sebastian - In Love
Senses Fail - Can’t Be Saved
The Sleeping - Don’t Hold Back
The Stone Roses - She Bangs the Drums
Superbus - Radio Song
I think it looks pretty good. My new life mission is to beat Through the Fire and Flames on Expert. ...I'm now stalling because I can't think of a Top Five. You know, since I just made that comment about Dragonforce, I think it's time we paid them their due. Here it is!
Top Five Reasons Why Dragonforce Kicks Ass
5. Good Slow Songs - Ugh, the slow song. The mellow track of the almost completely amazing album. Why are they there? No one knows, but it has been tradition since before time began. But wait, is that a two minute solo I smell? Oh Dragonforce, you have truly stolen my heart.4. Music Videos - They're full of explosions, and closeups of the singers face. And during the solos, anything thing can happen. During one, the two guitarists, Herman Li and Sam Totman, are playing a video game where they are themselves and soloing at each other and doing damage and getting combos.
3. Song Length and Solo Length - All of their songs are at least 7 minutes long because every one of them contains a dueling guitar solo that lasts for upwards of three minutes. They solo more on a daily basis than you eat.
2. Songs Combine Everything That is Sick - Power metal, speed metal, epic fantasy metal, lost mountains, endless seas, so far away from home. I mean, nobody has gotten anything that right since God invented boobs.
1. Herman Li - You have no idea, do you? Much like Jesus Christ, Herman Li's mother, Susan Li was touched by the holy spirit and thus, Herman Lee was born. Instead of turning water into wine, Li's magic is much more refined, and he spends much of his time practicing the art of soloing souls into redemption. He is also known for melting faces off and not speaking English very well. I've touched him, true story.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Top Five Worst Places For a Tattoo
Alright, well, welcome to the new and improved version of the Top Five. I'm sorry I couldn't make this any more amazing for you, this is just how it is. So, what's new? Well. Each Top Five will be introduced by a short sort of news/opinion section, and then we'll get to the meat. I mean... Other than that it'll pretty much the same. Big deal? Maybe, but it's the first stepping stone to a better Top Five of tomorrow. Oh, I apologize for yesterday's, but it had to be done. You guys need to make some kind of noise. Not just Farrington telling me about how gay he is.
Top Five Worst Places For a Tattoo
5. Behind the Knees - People behind you can kind of make out something back there, but they're not quite sure what. Way to go, jackass.
4. Bottom of the Feet - This is not only going to suck ass during the procedure since you'll be tickled and stabbed simultaneously, but it's also one of the hardest to show off areas. "Wanna see my tattoo? hold on, let me take my socks and shoes off." Retard.
3. Eyeballs - Well, you'll be blind, but you'll have a sick... Ruined... Remains of an eye. A fake eye would probably work out better if all you're looking for is style, but if you're looking for excruciating pain and poor results, than this is definitely the way to go.
2. The Taint - You guessed it! Here it is, the Taint! The area between your happy parts and your brown eye. Home to the grundliest castle I've ever seen, Castle Taint! Can you just imagine some stranger sculpting art in your hidden zone? Hope you washed before you went to get it. There is only one area worst than this...
1. Around the Asshole - Seriously. I mean, the concept is cool, but like, Why? So the five people that get intimate with your anus can see it? Or is your own private joke? And what if you had the shits the day you went to get it? Would the guy refuse? What is wrong with you?
Top Five Worst Places For a Tattoo
5. Behind the Knees - People behind you can kind of make out something back there, but they're not quite sure what. Way to go, jackass.
4. Bottom of the Feet - This is not only going to suck ass during the procedure since you'll be tickled and stabbed simultaneously, but it's also one of the hardest to show off areas. "Wanna see my tattoo? hold on, let me take my socks and shoes off." Retard.
3. Eyeballs - Well, you'll be blind, but you'll have a sick... Ruined... Remains of an eye. A fake eye would probably work out better if all you're looking for is style, but if you're looking for excruciating pain and poor results, than this is definitely the way to go.
2. The Taint - You guessed it! Here it is, the Taint! The area between your happy parts and your brown eye. Home to the grundliest castle I've ever seen, Castle Taint! Can you just imagine some stranger sculpting art in your hidden zone? Hope you washed before you went to get it. There is only one area worst than this...
1. Around the Asshole - Seriously. I mean, the concept is cool, but like, Why? So the five people that get intimate with your anus can see it? Or is your own private joke? And what if you had the shits the day you went to get it? Would the guy refuse? What is wrong with you?
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Top Five Things You Should Do When You Read a Top Five
I'll finish before 12, so sink, three days straight. Things are going to be different around here at Top Fives, but it's for the better. After this rebirth week, we're going to try some new things. But for right now, here's your Top Five.
5. Cum - It's only five because of how obvious it is.
4. Be Excited - "Yeah, Top Five! I Love Neee, he really is Sink Sean Reynolds." I've heard it before and I'll hear it again.
3. Talk About Top Five Merchandise on the Facebook Group - I'm serious, just DO IT!
2. Tell Your Friends - Hey, maybe this thing can go big. Maybe not, but let your friends decide on their own. I can be very generous.
1. Leave a Comment - Good or bad I don't care. I'll listen to whatever you have to say, even if it's, "You like men." Just click the button and drop me one. A hefty one.
5. Cum - It's only five because of how obvious it is.
4. Be Excited - "Yeah, Top Five! I Love Neee, he really is Sink Sean Reynolds." I've heard it before and I'll hear it again.
3. Talk About Top Five Merchandise on the Facebook Group - I'm serious, just DO IT!
2. Tell Your Friends - Hey, maybe this thing can go big. Maybe not, but let your friends decide on their own. I can be very generous.
1. Leave a Comment - Good or bad I don't care. I'll listen to whatever you have to say, even if it's, "You like men." Just click the button and drop me one. A hefty one.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Top Five Reasons We're Back
Oh shit! Is this another Top Five? Are we back? Well I fucking guess, since that's the title, asshole.
5. I Can't Take the Complaints - "When are you going to make another Top Five?" Well, I haven't made one in over two months and didn't plan on making another ever again, but just since you asked, I'm going to do one right fucking now. Homeless people come up to me on the street and beg me to give them a Top fucking Two, and I just can't take that shit no more.
4. Because I Can Write Them at Work - What? Do you care if I waste company time and money writing these? That's right, you don't. It's not like it matters anyways, I'll only work on them during lunch, or any other part of the day when I'm not working. Sink!
3. I Need Bitches - I'd hate to admit it, but this shit gets girls more ready for sex than a roofie, and I need that kind of backup when I'm going in for the kill. I've been flaccid and lonely for too long, it's time for the hardening!
2. People Actually Enjoy Reading These - As much as I'd like to think otherwise, there are at least... Four people who like it, and making their day, can make my day that much better. They'll also help me when I'm convicted of rape. Right guys?
1. We're the Chosen Ones - No, seriously. I was talking to God the other day and he was like, "You do know that you guys are the Chosen, right?" And I was like, "Well... That would explain a lot of things, including my manhood and its excessive largeness." So, long story short, short story long (my whang), we're going to save you guys from certain doom. You can log that one in your diaries and have wet dreams about it.
5. I Can't Take the Complaints - "When are you going to make another Top Five?" Well, I haven't made one in over two months and didn't plan on making another ever again, but just since you asked, I'm going to do one right fucking now. Homeless people come up to me on the street and beg me to give them a Top fucking Two, and I just can't take that shit no more.
4. Because I Can Write Them at Work - What? Do you care if I waste company time and money writing these? That's right, you don't. It's not like it matters anyways, I'll only work on them during lunch, or any other part of the day when I'm not working. Sink!
3. I Need Bitches - I'd hate to admit it, but this shit gets girls more ready for sex than a roofie, and I need that kind of backup when I'm going in for the kill. I've been flaccid and lonely for too long, it's time for the hardening!
2. People Actually Enjoy Reading These - As much as I'd like to think otherwise, there are at least... Four people who like it, and making their day, can make my day that much better. They'll also help me when I'm convicted of rape. Right guys?
1. We're the Chosen Ones - No, seriously. I was talking to God the other day and he was like, "You do know that you guys are the Chosen, right?" And I was like, "Well... That would explain a lot of things, including my manhood and its excessive largeness." So, long story short, short story long (my whang), we're going to save you guys from certain doom. You can log that one in your diaries and have wet dreams about it.
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