Almost Daily Top Fives

Almost Daily My Ass

2007-11-08T20:24:00.001-05:00

Yeah, well, what do you want from me? This is volunteer work people. Highest turnover rate, ever. Anyways, some sinking and drunken debauchery has occurred since last we Top Fived it. Canada can be marked off the to do list. I'm not sure it'll be the same now that I've shown the Canadians what real men look and act like. I only drove down one road and walked around one city, but I assume the whole country is the same. Which leads me to the Top Five...

Top Five Worst Things About Canada*

5. It Smells Like Shit - Their cities are mighty clean, but before you hit any of those cities plan on suffering through 50 miles of farmland. It's like the planned it so that the entire border to our country would smell like ass and ward off our superior genetics.

4. They Speak French - Prepare to understand 10% of the things and people you encounter. Although that's better than some countries, it's also French. Making it worse.

3. The Private Dance Girls Start Drinking At Noon - We have witnesses, and I know one man in Montreal that had a close encounter of both the sexy, and kick to the head kind. Also, they tend to flick their juices at you. Gross.

2. Their Money Looks Fake - I have a five dollar bill on me right now. The back consists mainly of children playing hockey. Wow. What a nation. The twenty has a boat of random things on it. They either gave up on design, or they just have nothing they cherish as a nation like honor or justice or even glory. Sounds like a pretty shitty country to me.

1. Everyone is Canadian - It's obvious, yes, but you don't seem to understand the significance of it. They're from Canada. They're a people united under one... Leaf. Fucking faggots.

Come back tomorrow** for Top Five Best Things About Canada!

*Note: By Canada, I mean the small amount of the country I've actually been to.

**Also Note: And by tomorrow, I meant the next time I update.

Well Fuck My Ass

2007-10-08T21:46:00.001-05:00

God damn it. Fucking Christ-muffins. Once again, I have returned to the Top Five. This one is for you Creez, you faggot. Since I have nothing better to Top Five, we're going to just mock Pettingrill, cause that's always funny.

Top Five Reasons Pettinfuzz Didn't Post

5. He Was Changing My Oil - Do I mean that sexually? Hah, that's for you to decide.

4. He's Gay - You didn't see this coming? Honestly? What a bunch of idiots. I could go on and on about how he was picking flowers and giving hand jobs to passersby. But, I won't.

3. He Was Partying - This isn't a bad excuse, really. I was there, I saw him partying. He was all reaching over beruit tables and trying to touch random underage chicks. What a true American Hero.

2. He Was Praying to Steve Jobs - That's what Mac users do, right? They're the ones with the goat's blood and chickens I think. Or they slit their wrists. Or both.

1. He Lacks the Testicular Fortitude - We all know it, but we don't speak it. I'm not trying to be cocky, but I have like, the Balls of Zeus. They're just... Mighty. You could compare them to Andre the Giant's fists. Anyways, what I'm getting at is it takes real cannonballs to put your Top Five up for everyone to see. It's like showing your genitals to the world. And I think he's a little afraid of showing us his length.

* Note: Before writing this I had not actually spoken to Pettinfuzz on the matter.

OMGZ It's Been 4 Days!

2007-09-20T11:53:00.000-05:00

I just realized nee hasnt done an update in a few days. I've got a good one I'll do tonight. Until then, a joke my boss told me yesterday:

So these 2 Indian guys move to America. When they get here, they make a bet over who will become more Americanized over the next year.

One year later they meet up to see who won. The first guy says:
"I've got you beat dude. I drive a Ford, I married a big boobed blond girl, and my kids only shop at Wal-Mart."

The second simply responds with:
"Fuck you towel head."

-Pettenfundle

Sunday Closer

2007-09-16T20:17:00.001-05:00

Trying out a new format, we'll see how people like it. No update on Saturday? No. This still is Almost Daily Top Fives, that's not any different. Oh, and I have recently become aware that there actually is eyeball tattooing, so number three from yesterday is henceforth now going to be,

3. The Clitoris - I'm sure the women will appreciate this. Ouch, man. I can't, don't even want to talk about it. It's making me feel sick just thinking about. It'd be like if a giant syringe was attacking our erections, and I don't like when that shit happens.

It's Sunday night, the weekend is over. Shitty tit-tits. It was a decent weekend... Minus me leaving my windows open Friday night and the inside of my car getting soaked. Sunk. Check out this leaked set list for Guitar Hero 3!

Tier 1:
Foghat - Slow Ride
Poison - Talk Dirty to Me
Pat Benatar - Hit Me With Your Best Shot
Social Distortion - Story of My Life

Encore: Kiss - Rock and Roll All Nite
Co-op Encore: Beastie Boys - Sabotage

Tier 2:
Mountain - Mississippi Queen
Alice Cooper - School’s Out
Cream - Sunshine of Your Life
Heart - Barracuda

Boss: Tom Morello - Guitar Battle
Encore: Rage Against the Machine - Bull’s on Parade
Co-op Encore: The Strokes - Reptilia

Tier 3:
The Killers - When You Were Young
AFI - Miss Murder
The Who - The Seeker
Priestess - Lay Down

Encore: Rolling Stones - Paint It Black
Co-op Encore: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Suck My Kiss

Tier 4:
Black Sabbath - Paranoid
The Sex Pistols - Anarchy in the UK
Sonic Youth - Kool Thing
Weezer - My Name Is Jonas

Encore: Pearl Jam - Evenflow
Co-op Encore: Blue Oyster Cult - Cities on Flame with Rock and Roll

Tier 5:
The Dead Kennedy’s - Holiday in Cambodia
Scorpions - Rock You Like a Hurricane
Aerosmith - Same Old Song and Dance
ZZ Top - La Grange

Boss: Slash - Guitar Battle
Encore: Guns N Roses - Welcome to the Jungle
Co-op Encore: Bloc Party - Hellicopter

Tier 6:
Santana - Black Magic Woman
Smashing Pumpkins - Cherub Rock
White Zombie - Black Sunshine
Tenacious D - The Metal

Encore: Stevie Ray Vaughn - Pride and Joy
Co-op Encore: Matchbook Romance - Monsters

Tier 7:
Slipknot - Before I Forget
Disturbed - Stricken
Queens of the Stone Age - 3’s and 7’s
Muse - Knights of Cydonia

Encore: Living Colour - Cult of Personality

Tier 8:
Slayer - Raining Blood
Eric Johnson - Cliffs of Dover
Iron Maiden - Number of the Beast
Metallica - One

Boss: Lou - Guitar Battle
Encore: The Devil Went Down to Georgia

Bonus Tracks:

An Endless Sporadic - Impulse
Backyard Babies - Minus Celsius
Bret Michaels Band - Go That Far
Die Toten Hosen - Hier Kommit Alex
Dragonforce - Through the Fire and the Flames
Fall of Troy - FCP Remix
Gallows - In the Belly of a Shark
The Hellacopters - I’m in the Band
Heroes del Silencio - Avalancha
In Flames - Take This Life
Kaiser Chiefs - Ruby
Killswitch Engage - My Curse
LA Slum Lords - Dow
Dave says:
LA Slum Lords - Down N Dirty
Lacuna Coil - Closer
Lions - Metal Heavy Lady
NAAST - Mauvis Garcon
Prototype - The Way It Ends
Revolverhead - Generation Rock
Rise Against - Prayer of the Refugee
Scouts of St. Sebastian - In Love
Senses Fail - Can’t Be Saved
The Sleeping - Don’t Hold Back
The Stone Roses - She Bangs the Drums
Superbus - Radio Song

I think it looks pretty good. My new life mission is to beat Through the Fire and Flames on Expert. ...I'm now stalling because I can't think of a Top Five. You know, since I just made that comment about Dragonforce, I think it's time we paid them their due. Here it is!

Top Five Reasons Why Dragonforce Kicks Ass

5. Good Slow Songs - Ugh, the slow song. The mellow track of the almost completely amazing album. Why are they there? No one knows, but it has been tradition since before time began. But wait, is that a two minute solo I smell? Oh Dragonforce, you have truly stolen my heart.

4. Music Videos - They're full of explosions, and closeups of the singers face. And during the solos, anything thing can happen. During one, the two guitarists, Herman Li and Sam Totman, are playing a video game where they are themselves and soloing at each other and doing damage and getting combos.

3. Song Length and Solo Length - All of their songs are at least 7 minutes long because every one of them contains a dueling guitar solo that lasts for upwards of three minutes. They solo more on a daily basis than you eat.

2. Songs Combine Everything That is Sick - Power metal, speed metal, epic fantasy metal, lost mountains, endless seas, so far away from home. I mean, nobody has gotten anything that right since God invented boobs.

1. Herman Li - You have no idea, do you? Much like Jesus Christ, Herman Li's mother, Susan Li was touched by the holy spirit and thus, Herman Lee was born. Instead of turning water into wine, Li's magic is much more refined, and he spends much of his time practicing the art of soloing souls into redemption. He is also known for melting faces off and not speaking English very well. I've touched him, true story.

Top Five Worst Places For a Tattoo

2007-09-14T14:11:00.000-05:00

Alright, well, welcome to the new and improved version of the Top Five. I'm sorry I couldn't make this any more amazing for you, this is just how it is. So, what's new? Well. Each Top Five will be introduced by a short sort of news/opinion section, and then we'll get to the meat. I mean... Other than that it'll pretty much the same. Big deal? Maybe, but it's the first stepping stone to a better Top Five of tomorrow. Oh, I apologize for yesterday's, but it had to be done. You guys need to make some kind of noise. Not just Farrington telling me about how gay he is.

Top Five Worst Places For a Tattoo

5. Behind the Knees - People behind you can kind of make out something back there, but they're not quite sure what. Way to go, jackass.

4. Bottom of the Feet - This is not only going to suck ass during the procedure since you'll be tickled and stabbed simultaneously, but it's also one of the hardest to show off areas. "Wanna see my tattoo? hold on, let me take my socks and shoes off." Retard.

3. Eyeballs - Well, you'll be blind, but you'll have a sick... Ruined... Remains of an eye. A fake eye would probably work out better if all you're looking for is style, but if you're looking for excruciating pain and poor results, than this is definitely the way to go.

2. The Taint - You guessed it! Here it is, the Taint! The area between your happy parts and your brown eye. Home to the grundliest castle I've ever seen, Castle Taint! Can you just imagine some stranger sculpting art in your hidden zone? Hope you washed before you went to get it. There is only one area worst than this...

1. Around the Asshole - Seriously. I mean, the concept is cool, but like, Why? So the five people that get intimate with your anus can see it? Or is your own private joke? And what if you had the shits the day you went to get it? Would the guy refuse? What is wrong with you?

Top Five Things You Should Do When You Read a Top Five

2007-09-13T22:50:00.001-05:00

I'll finish before 12, so sink, three days straight. Things are going to be different around here at Top Fives, but it's for the better. After this rebirth week, we're going to try some new things. But for right now, here's your Top Five.

5. Cum - It's only five because of how obvious it is.

4. Be Excited - "Yeah, Top Five! I Love Neee, he really is Sink Sean Reynolds." I've heard it before and I'll hear it again.

3. Talk About Top Five Merchandise on the Facebook Group - I'm serious, just DO IT!

2. Tell Your Friends - Hey, maybe this thing can go big. Maybe not, but let your friends decide on their own. I can be very generous.

1. Leave a Comment - Good or bad I don't care. I'll listen to whatever you have to say, even if it's, "You like men." Just click the button and drop me one. A hefty one.

Top Five Reasons We're Back

2007-09-12T18:36:00.000-05:00

Oh shit! Is this another Top Five? Are we back? Well I fucking guess, since that's the title, asshole.

5. I Can't Take the Complaints - "When are you going to make another Top Five?" Well, I haven't made one in over two months and didn't plan on making another ever again, but just since you asked, I'm going to do one right fucking now. Homeless people come up to me on the street and beg me to give them a Top fucking Two, and I just can't take that shit no more.

4. Because I Can Write Them at Work - What? Do you care if I waste company time and money writing these? That's right, you don't. It's not like it matters anyways, I'll only work on them during lunch, or any other part of the day when I'm not working. Sink!

3. I Need Bitches - I'd hate to admit it, but this shit gets girls more ready for sex than a roofie, and I need that kind of backup when I'm going in for the kill. I've been flaccid and lonely for too long, it's time for the hardening!

2. People Actually Enjoy Reading These - As much as I'd like to think otherwise, there are at least... Four people who like it, and making their day, can make my day that much better. They'll also help me when I'm convicted of rape. Right guys?

1. We're the Chosen Ones - No, seriously. I was talking to God the other day and he was like, "You do know that you guys are the Chosen, right?" And I was like, "Well... That would explain a lot of things, including my manhood and its excessive largeness." So, long story short, short story long (my whang), we're going to save you guys from certain doom. You can log that one in your diaries and have wet dreams about it.

Top Five Reasons We Haven't Updated Since June 22

2007-09-11T21:06:00.000-05:00

Bitches.

5. Cause You's a Bitch, and I'm Ain't - Straight up.

4. We're Lazy Faggots - We sit around and hump each other all day, that's just how we roll.

3. We Had to Spread Sink - It's an ongoing process, and we can never truly stop, but the beginning was the hardest part and now we don't have to force it on people as much. ...Sink!

2. Because Pee Hadn't Cum - He was in a downward spiral toward erectile dysfunction if something didn't happen. We grabbed his dick quickly, and saved it before it went to the limp place in the sky.

1. Cause We're Pimps - Top Fives? Are you serious? There isn't enough time in the day to pimp bitches, please skanks (Mike Pettincrotch), and shoot thugs who don't know when to quit, let alone write mind blowing top fives. But, thanks to some persuasion of the high and mighty, and some stank ass nugs, we're back... Sink!

Top Five Worst Parts of Drinking

2007-06-22T21:17:00.000-05:00

Getting wasted is good. Being an alcoholic is bad. These are the top five worst parts of drinking, and hopefully we'll convince some people to just put the bottle down before they shit themselves, again.

5. Hangover - Although preventable or reduced by either induced yomiting (vomiting), water consumption before passy-outtie, or any number of other tricks (I hear drinking in moderation also helps, but fuck that), this is still a major downfall of drinking. You could have the greatest night of your life, and then wake up to find you're about to have the worst day of your life. You know something has gone awry when rock and roll and the sun make you want to die.

4. Unwarranted Destruction - You've done it, I've done it, someone else has probably done it. Broken something by accident, and by accident I mean drunken stupidity. When you don't know them, or if you don't like them it doesn't really matter, but when you break your friend's parent's Ride-Or-Be-Ridden sex toy, it's full on Bad News Bears.

3. Everyone Will Know You're a Light Weight - Not everyone can be Pat Himes... Or Sink Sean Reynolds. Try drinking slowly, or mixing your drinks lightly, but one of these days you're going to get wasted much faster than everyone else and you know what? They're all going to laugh at you, mainly because you have a small dick and wanted them to see, but regardless, you'll be the center of some very unwanted attention, and will probably end up being written, peed, and stacked upon.

2. Rape - It's either rape, or be raped. Or fondled. Or groped. Or molested. Bring roofies and keep a sharp eye on your drink, and try not to pass out while in the presence of a large black man named Buba, they always like young suburban man ass.

1. Overall Bad Decision Making - Tequila, girl, broken glass, cops, herpes. That's all that needs to be said.

Top Five Penile Upgrades

2007-06-18T20:29:00.001-05:00

Now, I'm not saying the penis needs upgrades, I mean, well, not to brag, but mine can satisfy three women and two men at the same time. What I'm saying here is if someone of Michael Moore's penile structure (small and child-like), or his wallet size were to want to improve their near-manhood without lengthening or thickening, this is the path they would take.

5. Chrome - How didn't you see this one coming? It's like instead of getting a Porsche because you have a small dick, you chrome your dick so it looks much cooler, but in the end, you still can't satisfy women... And you're dick is now probably useless (Not that it wasn't in the first place).

4. Spikes - The only problem with this is the more easily you can afford it, the less spikes your penis will be able to hold. There's a long complicated math formula for determining ones penis length based on the size of his bank account and profession, but I'm not going to go into it now. Spikes, people. They tear vaginas apart.

3. Metal Balls - No more grabbing your groin and falling down in pain. Also, no more children, so freeze some sperm before you go ahead with this. Of course, if you're like me, you don't need this kind of upgrade. God has personally touched my balls and blessed them. Is that gay?

2. Improved Lube Reservoir - In case you weren't aware, male genitalia does have a lubricant creation station. However, it's a bit lacking. What we need is more lube, and lubier lube! It'll be like the penis' sub weapon. It would probably look like we were peeing, but with a massive erection.

1. Auto-Jack Off - Think of it like having a friend put a vibrating, heated, flesh lite on your johnson and... Well, you can figure the rest out on your own. Women wouldn't be needed anymore. We'd be free to play video games all day and let our auto-jackers beat our meat until our balls detach from our bodies. I can't wait!

Top Five Reasons I'm Going To Get Cereal

2007-06-14T22:55:00.000-05:00

5. You Are Boring Me - It's true. I'm really not entertained at all by talking to you. I mean you go on and on about how your mom has cancer or you dad was caught with an Asian prostitute or how you found a $45 solution to global warming. Who gives a shit? All I'm saying is i would much rather spend my time eating cereal than listening to you talk.

4. It's The Only Thing That Makes Me Happy - At the end of the day, I always know that cereal will be there for me to fill the empty void that is my existence... I mean stomach. Yeah, stomach. Fag.

3. Need Fuel For Power Hour - What, like you don't before you go to bed. Don't lie.

2. I Promised Your Mom Breakfast in Bed - I just didn't tell her breakfast was at 12 am, in MY bed. Oh, she wanted me to remind you to let the dog out in the morning, cause she won't be home in the morning. She'll be in my bed. With me. Doin' it.

1. I'm Hungry! - Why else do you eat cereal? Crunchatize Me Captain!

Top Five Reasons Nick Would Go M.I.A.

2007-06-13T20:45:00.000-05:00

Last night was frightening, folks. My jolly and mostly hetero life mate, Nick, was no where to be found. In a frantic attempt to find my lost brethren, I used that omnipotent, glorious device known as the Internet to check his away message. The only information i could gather from this was that, wherever he was, he had Swamp Ass. Things were graver than i had expected. Luckily, Nick appeared today, unscathed and maybe even dry-assed. Well, we here at Top Fives speculated where Nick could have been in those hours of darkness. Without further adieu, the Top Five reasons Nick would disappear like that.

5. Joined the Three Six Mafia - Don't hate, the kid flows like Jay-Z after a box of Ex-Lax.

4. There was a Slight Weapons Malfunction - But everything is perfectly alright, now. We're fine, we're all fine, here, now, thank you. How are you?

3. Succumbed to Terrorism - Now that Nick has his cushy government job, he has become the primary target of every towel-headed Camel Jockey who has a boner for Holy War.

2. All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet - If there is one thing Nick likes more than hot man chicken and experience points, its food. Now, god forbid, that some establishment could create a spread that would take this unstoppable eating machine more than 45 minutes to decimate, the consequences would be dire. The amount of food and small children that would be consumed in the crossfire would leave even the Middle East in awe.

1. The American Dream - Well, Nick has about had it with the tumultuous life in suburban New Hampshire. He up and left his for a new life, one that consists of more than just bacon sandwiches and Power-Hour Masturbation. He left into the great wide open, and eloped with his gay lover, who happens to be President of the Nashville Handle-Bar Mustache Club. Live the Dream, Nick. Live the Dream.

Top Five Reasons You Should Click All Those Links On The Right

2007-06-13T20:42:00.001-05:00

5. You Might Find Something Useful - Who knows? I don't even know what those links are for, but who knows? If you click it it might be the second best website you went to today? Right behind the Top Five. Okay, maybe third best, behind the Top Five, and that beastiality site you found "by accident."

4. If You Click Each One 3 Times... - The Magical Internet Fairy* will visit your computer and sprinkle its magical dust** on your PC and you will never have lag again!
* The Magical Intenet Fairy is actually Neee in a fairy suit.
** The Magical Dust is actually metal filings and might actually fry your processor.

3. We Told You To - Don't lie, you have no personal opinion or free will. You do as we say and thats the end of it. Now make me a sandwich! With some waffle fries.

2. We Make Money, and Might Make Shirts - It's true, we make money each time you click those links. Not much at all, but some, and whats good for us is good for you. If we make enough, and there is interest, we might make shirts with awesome Top Five graphics on them. Sink!

1. The Count Is Down - This is just unacceptable. The number on clicks this past month, is lower than when we first started the Five and had like, 3 readers, one of which was Neee's mom... So click the links before we rape every single one of you. Oh, and thanks for supporting the Top Five! Your reader loyalty is what keeps us going with this thing. But CLICK THE LINKS DAMMIT!

Top Five Reasons to Shave Your Pubes.

2007-06-11T01:33:00.000-05:00

I was watching the Presidential Debates a few days ago and a question was posed to the candidates about their thoughts and beliefs on pubic landscaping. While it's a touchy subject up on Capital Hill, nothing here at Top Fives is sacred. Lets get this going!

5. It Totally Makes Your Johnson Look Bigger - Kumar, like the Dali Llama before him, sat upon his throne of enlightenment and uttered those words with sage-like wisdom. Take this with you, people, and be merry! I mean, its not like I need to do make it look bigger. Its friggin' huge. Generally speaking. Well, its certainly not that small. Hmm. Next point.

4. To Piss Off Your Roommates - Lets be honest. That hair that is scattered across your bathroom like it was dropped from a goddamn Crop Duster can only come from one place. Its inevitable that your roommates will suspect the worse when he finds it on his toothbrush. So, you might as well have some fun with it. Explore your surroundings. In my experience, I highly recommend the kitchen and passenger seat of his car.

3. Physics - Mathematically, it makes sense to shave your pubes. Theres less wind resistance, therefore you may thrust with such great justice and glory, the kind of justice and glory that has only been transcribed in The Great Gatsby. I.E. A Torpedo.

2. Convenient Navigation - Remember when Cortez traveled across the Atlantic in search of vast riches and comical genocide? Well, much to his dismay, he had to navigate his way through the dense underbrush of the South American Rainforest, risking life and limb. Its an analogy people. Don't be that guy.

1. Artistic Outlet - Well, while you are down there trimmin' the hedges, might as well get creative with it. I once had fashioned Burt Reynolds into my Pubis, and needless to say, the ladies loved it.

Top 5 Worst Ways To Die

2007-06-07T23:55:00.000-05:00

This one is a reader submission. Not in the sexual sense...well..maybe? But anyways, here you go! Thanks Courtney! (The Canadian)

5.) The Jerry Springer Show - Let us establish something first: Hell hath no fury like a cross-dressing midget who’s wife just revealed to the world that she was impregnated by three out of the four members of White Snake. And when said midget comes at you with a folding chair, you’re going to wish your papa never plugged your mamma at that drive-in theater twenty years ago. It’s not the hit that will kill you, however – your demise will come via the stampede of rioting audience members who break through the bodyguards to get closer to their beloved JERRY! JERRY! As your broken body expels what is left in your dying bowels, remember that this lovely sight will go down in Jerry Springer history, which will play over and over again on clip shows. Your death will be the delight of knocked up teenagers and NASCAR fans everywhere. Does that make you happy?

4.) Cock Fight - Imagine, if you will, your funeral. Imagine that people care enough to come to your funeral. Then imagine this conversation going on at sad funeral:
Friend 1: This is so tragic. How did he die?
Friend 2: Cock fight.
Friend 1: . . . excuse me?
Friend 2: he fell into the middle of a cock fight. It wasn’t pretty.
Friend 1: I . . . bet it wasn’t.
Sorry to break it to you, slick, but Friend 1 will assume that ‘Cock’, in this case, meant ‘Penis’. And not just any penis, mind you, but big, black, sodomizing penis. Good luck getting that street named after you now, faggot.

3.) Historical Reenactment - Sometimes, very lonely men dress up as soldiers from the Civil War and fight each other. With fake guns. If you are one of these special people, and find yourself dying from massive blood loss in a ditch, remember that it only gets worse. Because they never check the field of battle afterwards (Because, lets face it, there really isn’t any battle), you’ll be left out there to die alone, questioning your choice to fight as a fake Confederate soldier. When the police do find your body, however, your attire will point to the obvious – you will be named as a crazed racist who believed that the institution of slavery should live on. Your wife will be killed by the Reverend Al Sharpton. Your son will serve fate number 4 on this list – and not the rooster fate. The big black penis fate.

2.) Siamese Twin Separation Surgery - I’m sure the operation is horrible. But the worse part would be being the loser twin who actually died said operation. From then on, you’d be known as the overgrown tumor. The overgrown tumor that was attached to that weird, disfigured kid who always took two milks at school lunch. Motherfucker.

1.) Communism - Dying because all of your food and worldly possessions were taken by a well-dressed dictator is rough enough. Your death, however, will give power to every university yuppie, capitalist, and Republican. They will stand on their pile of poverty-stricken orphans, point to your rotting corpse, and say “See, I told you it didn’t work”. They will go on to pick up a tall mocha latte from Starbucks and flip through the Fox News webpage on their iBook. While listening to their mother fucking iPod. How do you feel now, you Russian bastard? Your death supported the growth of Macintosh Computers and really overpriced coffee beverages. How the fuck do you sleep at night?

Deaths That Didn’t Make the List - Corn Cob, Postal Service, The Holocaust.

Neeee's Top Five Special Abilities

2007-06-06T20:25:00.000-05:00

It's true, I am amazing, and with that in mind, I thought I'd give you all a taste of the goodness that is me. These are my top five special abilities (that you can know about without me having to kill you).

5. Power Sit - I can kill a man with a single sit. I'm not proud of it, but it's happened, and it can again, so back the fuck off before I put my ass where your body is.

4. Rape - What do you mean this isn't a special ability? Well of course everyone can rape, that's obvious you moron. To me, rape is an art form. I am like the Picasso of forcing myself inside of women.

3. Speed Shit - In and out in under two minutes, if all goes well. I am completely serious with this one people. I don't pretend like I understand why or how. It comes in handy... Well, pretty much whenever I shit. I am quite the opposite of my father, who brings in today's newspaper, the bible, and the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

2. Man Boob Slap - This sounds like a Pokemon attack. I don't really need to explain this, you can either imagine (you probably don't want to), have seen it, or have been struck by it, and if you have been struck by it, you know of its scarring and IQ dropping properties.

1. Instant Ejaculation - The title of this one kind of stretches the truth a bit. It isn't truly instant, it's more like, touch, two second pause, spurt spurt. Kind of like waking the angry drunk. You poke at him, and he slowly rolls over, opens an eye, and spits at you, then rolls back over and sleeps.

Top 5 Nickelodeon Shows From The 90's

2007-06-05T22:52:00.000-05:00

5. GUTS (or Global GUTS) - You remember, 3 kids from around the country, or the world in the case of Global GUTS, would battle it out in awesome little competitions that really didn't matter, because when it came down to the end, it was all about the "Agro-Crag." Even tho they had cool nicknames and knee pads, we all knew we could do better. But it was still fun watching Jose' (Laser) from Mexico try to play basket ball while hanging from a huge bungee cord. Plus Mike O'Malley hosted it with some Austrailian chick! Whats not to like?

4. Rocko's Modern Life - This show really had no plot. It was just a bunch of random shit with really weird characters. Lets see, Rocko was a wallaby, Heffer was his best friend (a fat cow), his neighbors were toads who were clearly doin' it all the time, and I think he had a pet dog too. Man, that sounds oddly like my life.

3. Doug - Doug was just awesome. From the obvious rainbow of skin colors, probably to teach us about equality (what a joke, hah, equality) to the life lessons about lusting after the hottest chick in school (Patty Mayonnaise), Doug was truly a show worth watching. Speaking of Doug's big crush, we all knew it would end up like this...

2. The Adventures of Pete and Pete - This show was just a great show about being a kid. From that magical "extra" hour we get from daylight savings time, to renewing your penny's good luck by having a train run over it. This was just a classic. Plus if I recall right, Pete had a tattoo of a girl on his arm he could make dance and distract his dad. Priceless.

1. Are You Afraid Of The Dark - Everyone loved this show. Every week a bunch of kids would go to a campfire somewhere, and start to share a scary story, at which point the show would then show us. We all got scared, don't lie you homo. Every week was a new story, and they were all good, and somewhat scary. Can't ask for more, and if you do then you're a selfish idiot.

Top Five Things the Loch Ness Monster Could Be

2007-06-04T21:53:00.000-05:00

He has new video footage of him somewhere... If you're interested in it, either look yourselves, or ask, I'm pretty sure I can find it. Anyways, top five things Nessy could be.

5. A Pocket of Gas Reflecting Light From Jupiter - Pockets of gas reflecting light have done more bizarre things than this. The Great Chicago Fire, the Titanic, Elvis, the Dark Ages. The list goes on!

4. A Big Fucking Dino-Fish - I'm no scientist, but that shits sick! I mean, if Nessy was real, yeah, that'd be the most balla thing this century, in terms of science. In terms of non-science, I am the most balla thing ever.

3. My Dick - What can I say? It's big... And scaly! And... Has somehow detached from my body and has been roaming Scotland for longer than I have been alive. Yeah, my penis is just that good. (Who didn't see that one coming? Seriously.)

2. Queen Elizabeth II's Disowned Child - She doesn't want to talk about it, and neither do I! Well, actually I do. It was back in the 40's, she was 39 and a cougar if ever I were to see one. We were at this party... Lots and lots of booze. Long story short, she went naked in the big ass prehistoric fish tank.

1. A Giant Sentient Extraterrestrial Turd - You may not understand why now, but someday, when we have the technology, we will be able to make our turds sentient too. The possibilities of turds are endless! First they will be the next generation of Pet Rocks, and then sentient turds will replace soldiers and workers. Soon after, cybernetic turds. That's when we can stop working, and let our shit do our work for us. Sink! As for what's in the lake? That's a big fucking dookie with eyes from Mars. They're just keeping an eye on the Scottish. Something we should all try to do. They're tricky bastards.

Top 5 Things Every Guy Should Know Part 1

2007-06-03T21:51:00.000-05:00

I say part 1 because lets face it, we need to know more than 5 things. Let's just consider these 5 things, the top 5 of the night.

5. If There is Grass on the Field, Play Ball - And if nothing is growing, plant some seeds...

4. Lid Down: Only for Brown - No one wants to sit on a wet seat, and we all know the aiming changes every time, so we won't hold it against you. But do everyone, especially the ladies (they won't let this one go), and help keep the seat clean for special occasions.

3. There is Nothing Better than a Blumpkin - As Peeee would describe this, it is, "The glorious apex of two of the world's greatest creations becoming one." Urban Dictionary if you don't know it, Noob.

2. There is no Honor in Puking in a Toilet - Granted there is no shame in it either. It happens to the best of us, but please, if you must yak, do it in/on something funny, or perhaps expensive, to make the story that much more glorious.

1. Bros Before Hoes - She may be hot, and she might be an amazing cook, or just great in bed, but remember your bros come first. Because, after the break-ups, the knock-ups, and the burn of that potential STD subsides, your bros will always be there to help you get back on your feet, and call you a huge homo.

Top Five Reasons Neee Is The Only One Who Updates

2007-05-31T19:23:00.000-05:00

Inspired by the recent, dare I call them attacks, on Peee and myself for not updating, here is our combined list of 5 (we had to cut it down from about 57) reasons Neeee updates the most.

5. We Don't Need the Top Five to Get Chicks - Now don't get me wrong, if this thing gets Neeee chicks, good for him. But the truth is, Peee and I don't need the Top Five to get girls. Does it help? Sure! But so do charisma and wit, something neither Peee nor myself contain, but manage to get the job done without anyways.

4. It's Easy to Type From the Catcher Position - What else is he gonna do while he's down there? Notice the last few posts have been about Peee and I? Why do you think that is? Think about it...

3. He Needs Something to Do - In between playing Pokemon and Guitar Hero, that is.

2. He Can't Maintain an Erection - While me and Peee are doing Marathon Eiffel Tower's on underage biddies, Nick spends his time writing Top Fives with misplaced hope that Thumper will stir in his pants one of these days.

1. His Mom Thinks it Makes Him Seem "Cool" - And moms always know what's cool. I mean, think about your mom, she's cool right? ...Right?

Sub Point - Virtual "friends" are all that make his otherwise flaccid existence valid.

Top Five Reasons Why Peeee and Pettinphile Won't Write Top Fives

2007-05-30T21:41:00.000-05:00

I figured I'd continue on with yesterday's. And no harm intended, this is just for fun folks, I'm just slamming these guys to get a laugh.

5. Cleverness is Not Their Forte - They're not even allowed to watch Yo Momma, let alone try to construct a yo momma joke on their own.

4. They Don't Have The Testicular Fortitude - You think this is easy? My balls are coated with lead (all natural), and they're about the size of a watermelon. Why can't you see them? I hide them in my ass.

3. They Have Better Things to Do - Like men, each other, little boys, and eat sperm. Did I mention they're gay?

2. They're Both Gay - With each other. I've never seen DA (Double Anal) before, until I met these queefs. Their breath is ass-tastic, and their balls are clean enough to eat off of (Because they suck them so hard, for the tards that didn't get it). What does this have to do with them not doing Top Fives? Women scare them, and they don't want to do anything that might attract them.

1. They Could Care Less About You - This whole thing, everything this is, is for you guys. The readers. I don't do this because it makes me cum (that's just a benefit), I do this because you guys told me that you liked it and wanted more. But these two fucks? I saw a guy tell them he liked Top Fives, and they immediately started shitting on him.

Top Five Reasons Peeee or Pettinphile Should Do a Top Five

2007-05-29T16:49:00.001-05:00

You want a new top five? You got it.

5. I Write Most of These - Seriously. Wasn't this a joint effort in the beginz0r? Step up to the plate, boys. If this were Halo, I'd be running around with teh sniper and going on killing sprees while you two would be shooting walls and each other.

4. They Could Get The Girls - You all know of my extensive sex life and all the p00nani I get. Maybe these two shmucks can hop on the wetness train and join me. It's lonely in the middle of the five some when you're the only guy. Wait, no it isn't.

3. It's Like Cumming - It's like having sex with a woman and cumming to me.

2. All Hope Might Be Lost - This blog inspires. It inspires and encourages justice, honor, glory, prejudice and sexism. What would the world do without us reminding them that women don't have rights, or that getting stabbed in the heart is balla? Tragic, my friends. Tragic.

1. I Will Crush Them - I weigh more than both of them combined. My dick alone weighs almost as much as Peeee. My fists could rip out the souls of inmates, so they'll have no trouble tearing out these two's balls through their lower lips. Don't bother running or hiding. I can smell you.

Top Five Things to Replace Your Arms

2007-05-24T02:53:00.000-05:00

Arms are gay, top five, GO!

5. Bubble Blowers - You'll be the life of the park until the kids inhale or ingest your bubble goodness, then you'll be explaining yourself to a judge.

4. Blades - This is the most obvious choice. I cannot mention any names, but some of you know who I'm talking about. As a side note, if you haven't already seen 300, see it, and send me your testosterone droplets. They aren't tears, damn it!

3. Nothing - Be an amputee and collect disability insurance, it's all the rage.

2. Hydraulic Dildos - No explanation is required here.

1. Tap and Keg - Strap a keg onto your side, run some minor tubes through your body, and add a sick neon tap to the other side and you'll be partying in no time. Now, all that beer will be pumped through your system, so be prepared to be wasted. Very wasted. All the time.

What didn't make the list:

TVs - What is this, Pimp My Ride?

Rockets - Overdone.

The Olsen Twins - Too risque.

Wings - Gay, I'm too fat to fly anyways.

Top Five Things to Do With Pennies

2007-05-22T00:21:00.000-05:00

Honestly, pennies suck ass. They're going to be gone soon and what are we, the people, going to do with our enormous collections of worthless copper? Here's where Daily Top Fives comes into your daily lives, this is Top Five Things to do with Pennies.

5. Melt Them Down - They're worth more as copper piping than they are as pennies, why not get their worth out of them? A word of caution, however; consult a professional, Daily Top Fives is not responsible for accidents caused when attempting melting down of pennies.

4. Pay 25 Cents to Have One Squished Into Something - A picture is worth a thousand words, a flat penny with a symbol stamped on is only worth 25 cents, plus a penny.

3. Put One in Your Nose - We're all children on the inside, some of us more than others. So start the car as your prepare to send that coin to where only your finger has been.

2. Trick Your Little Brother - You know the routine, "Wanna see something cool? Stick the penny in the socket. Yeah, trust me, it's wicked cool. Oh it hurt? You did it wrong, it's the other hole." ROFLCOPTERS ensues.

1. Construct a Gun the Fires Them - It'll be like a BB only... A penny. Advantages over BBs? Uhh... Less accurate, more costly, funnier.

Other things that didn't make the cut:

Super glue them to the sidewalk or floor and watch poor people try to pick them up.

Throw hand fulls at people you don't like.

Make a statue out of them.

Fill two bags with them and tie them together, making some kind of flail/nun-chuck weapon.

Top Five Worst Shit Types

2007-05-20T20:45:00.001-05:00

Sorry about the delay, but after some encouragement from silent fans, I've decided to get back up and continue writing. This particular top five might cause vomiting in the weak of stomach, so I caution you to only continue if you think you can handle it. I don't allow vomiting on my blog.

5. Meltdown - Taco Bell or Mexican food often has this effect on people. It has many names, and many consistencies but there is one thing they all have in common; you're going to be using quite a bit of toilet paper.

4. Sequels/Trilogies - I have a personal grudge against this three part episode, but we're not going to get into that. The trilogy is when you know you got to go big, but when you go, it is but a portion of the beast within. It will take either two or three trips to the restroom before you're done, and while each portion is different, the beginning has remnants of the prior shit.

3. Brick - Massive, rock hard, unforgiving. No, I'm not talking about my genitals, although I could be. Not. Anyways, this shit has been known to cause rectal bleeding and crying in small children. Be cautious, sometimes it's better to let this bad boy slide out when he's ready than to cram him through your porthole.

2. Toxic - This is the shit where you walk into the public bathroom and say, "AUGH, what died in here?" As you realize what you've done, you ashamedly rush to wipe and leave before someone close to you finds out that you dropped the bomb right before he went in.

1. Jalapeño - It's spicy, and by no means friendly. No matter the consistency or the amount, this irritating shit leaves your butthole burning long after you've flushed it's remains to shit hell.

Neeee's Top Five Most Embarassing Moments

2007-04-19T01:28:00.000-05:00

This is just a quickly thought up top five concerning my personal life. Oh, and all of these did happen, by the way. No bullshit today! Enjoy.

5. Father Confronting me About Porn Sites - I was... I think eleven? Maybe a little more, maybe a little less. I was just starting to delve into my porn obsession, when my father had a little chat with me one day about how he's been seeing porn in the history on the computer. "History? The fuck is that?" I thought to myself at the time. Of course, I blamed it all on my brother... He didn't buy it.

4. Kids Asking Me if I Masturbated - I had just moved to a new town, I was thirteen or fourteen. I was very withdrawn and depressed after the move and had no real friends. After awhile, the kids who sat in the back of the bus invited me into their domain. I complied, but still didn't talk much. One day, they were talking about masturbating and the entire time I was looking out the window thinking, "For the love of God don't talk to me, please if there is a kind and merciful God, don't let them talk to me." At this point in my life, I wasn't very open with my sexuality, it was still a taboo subject with me. I suppose you figured out they asked me, since it's the title of this section. One of the only girls, turned to me and asked me if I masturbated. I stuttered and said, "N... No." My face then became a shade of red I don't think exists in nature. She then declared to everyone that I was lying, and I think I blocked the rest out of my memory.

3. Brother Almost Catching me Masturbating - You know the story, you're in your room having a good time during the day, because for some reason you can't wait until night, and suddenly you hear footsteps right outside your door. Well, I was on my computer so I threw my shirt over my night stick, and hunched over like I was looking at something on the floor as the door opened. There is no way he didn't know what I was doing. He must have noticed my quick movements, and while he was talking there were muffled sounds on the computer, accompanied by rapid clicks, as I remained hunched over, but continued to stare at the screen. I appreciated the fact that he kept our encounter brief. And yes, I did continue afterwards.

2. Mother Almost Catching me Masturbating - No, this isn't the same story as the previous one. Why? Because the first sound I heard was my door knob turning, so the only thing helping me out is my bent over body, which doesn't help much. Also, she insisted on talking to me for a good five minutes while I was bent over my whang, probably red in the face. The only thing that saved me was the fact that she didn't really enter my room, but just stayed in the doorway. If she had taken two steps... She would have been really impressed.

1. Getting Sung Happy Birthday at Applebees - I swear, there is nothing worse than going to a restaurant and having a group of strangers sing Happy Birthday to you, while another, larger, group of people watch it. Especially when you didn't see it coming at all. I mean, my birthday was in two weeks, why would they? Oh, just to embarrass me. Thanks mom and dad, I'm going to go to the bathroom now and slit my wrists. This is the reason why I make a rule to never go out to eat within a month of my birthday. Never again.

Top Five Characters We'd Like to See in Super Smash Bros. Brawl

2007-04-15T22:39:00.000-05:00

Here is a game most of us are excited for and this is a question that often comes up in discussions about the game. So, here is our list of top five characters we'd like to see, and with each, a short description of them in game and their Super Smash (their special ability).

5. Cloud Strife - Think Link, but stronger and more geared toward close range, but his sword has longer reach. Most of his moves are based on his sword, but he draws on materia to cast a few spells. His Super Smash is, of course, Omnislash, which does massive damage to any character near him.

4. Megaman - A combination of Samus, Kirby, and Ganondorf. He is at his best long ranged, and has an ability, like Kirby, to steal other characters powers and use them in conjunction with his gun arm. How is he like Ganondorf? He is heavy, meaning he takes a lot of damage before he'll go off flying since he drops like a rock, and his jumps are nothing to brag about. His Super Smash is similar to that of his attack in Marvel Vs. Capcom, where he becomes a giant and sends forth ungodly amounts of ammunitions that decimate.

3. Sonic - Ah, yes. The hedgehog. He isn't confirmed, so yes, he still belongs on this list. He would have to be the fastest character in the game. Many of his attacks would center around him spinning and attacking, and making Jigglypuff give up her spin assault from Melee. Sonic's Super Smash isn't really all that amazing, but it's got the highest chance of hitting an enemy. He launches into the air, begins to spin and if anyone is within a direct line of sight with him, he'll launch at them multiple times, or if multiple enemies are within the eye sight he will bounce from one to another.

2. Dudes From Contra - Now, I bet you're thinking that this is a bad idea. I say, fuck you. These two are the Ice Climbers... Only... Good. Strong and quick long range attacks, the AI on your teammate is actually decent, and if the main one dies, you take over the secondary. They can also throw down some good close range fisticuffs. As you might expect, the Super Smash is Destroy All, an explosion that damages everyone in the level.

1. Andrew W.K. - His run is an attack, it's called the W.K Stride. When he goes into party mode, he doesn't move much, but he starts slam dancing and kicking ass (good for groups of enemies). His jump is weak, but his powerful stomp can stun his adversaries. He is the ultimate close range fighter, and the crowd always cheers for him regardless of what he is doing in the game. And for his Super Smash? Known as Party, Party, Party, Andrew steps onto a stage, and begins to sing, attracting the crowd onto the level, and invoking mosh pits, damaging all opponents.

Top Five Reasons to See Grindhouse

2007-04-09T21:19:00.000-05:00

Despite having done very poorly in the box office on opening weekend, Grindhouse is still a worthy movie of any true fan of... Well, anything zombie or action related. Why? Keep reading.

5. Boobs - Oh, there certainly are boobs in it, and I'm not talking about Ms. Garrison boobs, I'm talking four star hotel boobs, and they get jibbly, oh lord do they get jibbly.

4. Kurt Russell Gets the Beating he Deserves - Now don't get me wrong, Kurt has done many a good movie, but some of his most recent (Poseidon, and Sky High) have been so unworthy that I grew a tumor on my spine that's been whispering things into my ear. Some of which are about my completely unhealthy obsession with Lindsay Lohan, but mainly center around the need for Kurt to take a boot to the face. And by God, has this movie satisfied the tumor's thirst.

3. Ass Kickery - The amount of unnecessary blood, violence, and gore in Grindhouse made my brain shoot a load out of my eye. From zombie power pimple popping to knives in the most arousing of orifices, this movie gave my calm collective nerve center the ass raping it was asking for.

2. Fornication of the Human Turkey Variety - You really just need to see the movie to understand that one.

1. Solid American Cinema - When two great directors get together and make a combo movie of epic proportions, the results are sometimes lacking. Wait, what the fuck am I talking about? That never happens, and this movie is a testament to that. Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino come together and make a combo movie that is both uniquely their own. This shit is just good.

Top Five Advantages of Being Resurrected

2007-04-08T00:16:00.000-05:00

Its Easter Sunday, and the management here at Top Fives decided to save you from having to go to your Easter Church Service by writing down the highlights of what your priest/pastor is going to say. Without further Adieu, here is our Easter edition:

5. It's Better than Slim Fast - Its almost Bikini season, and you gotta reduce those size of those thighs. You could try cutting down on fats and complex carbs, or you could get crucified, dead, and buried. In a few days, you will walk the earth again, able to fit into that Speedo of yours. My brother was resurrected, and he looks GREAT.(Editors Note: Stock up on Axe. The Decaying Flesh scent does not attract ladies.)

4. New Body, No More Herpes - Its a general rule that when resurrected, you are working with a clean slate. Finally you can live down that weekend in Tijuana.

3. Prove Your Lineage - Resurrected people tend to be big deals. If you get resurrected, you must put the Capital B in Boss.

2. Makes a Great Party Trick - That week you spent at Magic Camp has not helped you in your quest to impress your peers. Next time you are at a gathering, find a suitable way to die, then come back to life. Bitches dig that shit.

1. You get to Fucking Live Again - Resurrection is another excuse to do the same stupid shit that got you killed in the first place.

Top 5 Reasons to Own a VW

2007-04-03T23:27:00.000-05:00

5. It's like Joining a Family - A German mob family. You mess with one VW owner, you mess with every VW owner. Stereotypicly, most VW owners like to hike. Have you seen what kinda shape hikers are in? Yeah, they'll kick your ass like it was a stuffed kitten.

4. European Cars Are Built Tough - Think about it. Germans like to drink. Germans also like to drive. So since the odds of them drinking and driving were pretty high, they figure why not do it while surrounded by 1279 airbags... Just in case.

3. Unlimited Tuning - Lets face it, as humans we like to tweak things. Take Tim Taylor on tool time for example, or that computer you bought that needed more RAM. Your car is the same way, you want to tweak it. So why not do it with something that has infinite potential?

2. Hitler Started VW - When was the last time Hitler had a bad idea? And no, you're wrong. That was a great idea... he just got a little carried away.

1. It's Not a Honda - Don't get me wrong now, civics have their place. They are perfect for the Hispanic kids from Lawrence, or a 45 year old business man who wants to save a bit on gas. But for those of us interested in a more than moderately gentle commute... VW in da haus.

Top Five Reasons Man Boobs Will Never Be Better Than The Real Thing

2007-04-02T23:49:00.000-05:00

The debate has raged on for years, and it's finally time to settle the score once and for all. This will go down in history as the first time anyone has truly taken a stand against the injustice of jubblies everywhere.

5. Copies Generally Aren't Better Than the Original - It isn't often you come across something that is a knock-off of something else and is superior to it. They lose whatever it was that had us craving for the original in the first place, and when the original is a booby, you might as well present me with a rock on a pile of sand, cause nothing can replace those lovely lady lumps.

4. If You Have Man Boobs, You're Probably Fat - And obesely fat at that. I remember seeing a man hold three books under his man boob. Another time, I was mooned and it looked like a giant heart of ass. These are the types of mind torture a person with man boobs can inflict upon the innocent.

3. They Don't Feel Nice - Man boobs feel cancerous and wrong, almost like God hates you for having them, so he just made them mutated to begin with. Saving you the trouble of later killing yourself through a heart attack, he has gracefully implanted a cancer you will never expect.

2. They're Hairy - Some people might think that this shouldn't be on the list, and I call those people gays. Very rarely do I want something I plan to suck on and grope to be covered, even mildly, in hair.

1. They're On Men - Again, gays wouldn't agree with this, but that's why we don't listen to their opinions anyways. Nothing is better than watching big boobed bikini biddies bouncin' by the beach. The B's have it, and I rest my case.

Top Five Reasons to Wrap Your Tool

2007-03-29T23:13:00.000-05:00

5. Improve Your Sexual Longevity - Condoms traditionally decrease sensitivity. By wearing a condom you might finally be able to last long enough that your partner actually gets some enjoyment out of it!

4. No Babies - Lets face it. Babies are a pain, abortions are expensive, and I don't know about you but I'm not gonna count on luck to stop me from getting a chick pregnant.

3. Preservation - Remember when your grand parents put plastic on the furniture to keep it nice for when special guests came over? It's like that, just for your tool.

2. Pride - Nothing emphasizes your glory like taking a full scum bag and smacking it across your woman's face.

1. Avoid That "Burning" Feeling - No one likes an oozy tool. And you don't want to risk it and find out what they really mean by, "An intense burning sensation." Don't be a fool, wrap your tool.

Top Five Reasons Why There Should Never Be a Fifty Foot Michael Jackson Robot

2007-03-29T00:25:00.000-05:00

It's about time we get on the current news thing. Check this out, or just read the top five, either way, you might end up crying.

5. There are Enough Fifty Foot Robots in Cartoons and Anime - Gundam, Evangelion, Robotech, the Big 'O, Gigantor... Need I go on? There is enough of this bull funky on TV, and I don't need Michael Jackson's twisted version of it corrupting my childhood.

4. The Materials Could Be Better Used For... Anything - Why waste our metal and engineer's time on something like this? They could build a spaceport, a recycling center, or a fucking concentration camp for all I care, as long as it isn't a robotic Michael Jackson.

3. Robots Always Go Rogue - Throughout the course of history, there has never been a robot that hasn't viciously slaughtered its creator and his fans. Not that killing Michael Jackson and his fans would be a bad thing, but you know, innocents might get hurt in the process, and as Americans it would look bad if the front page of the world news read, 'Giant Robot Grabs Crotch, Hits High Note, Levels City Block.'

2. It May Be a Sign of the Coming of the Apocalypse - Michael Jackson. Fifty foot robot. New album? World Destruction, end of story.

1. Michael Jackson is Fucking Creepy - A six foot Michael Jackson is bad enough, does the world really need him, of all people, to be enlarged to such a ridiculous proportion? And this isn't just a statue people, it's a fucking robot. It's going to wander around the desert molesting giant robotic little boys. Think of it like the Iron Giant. His goal is to befriend small children, and touch them, in that way that makes us all teary-eyed.

Top 5 Reasons to Not Get Married

2007-03-27T23:44:00.000-05:00

5. Social Castration - Getting married is the formal way of saying, "I want to spend the rest of my life with this person." It is also the formal way of saying, "I have made a conscious decision to not hang out with my friends anymore and instead work and take out the trash." Great move. Those dish gloves look fabulous on you.

4. Relinquishing of Funds - Thats right. All that money you made last week? Thats not your money, its the family's money. Wanna buy new rims for your car? How about a game for your Wii. Nope, that money goes to something much more fiscally responsible. Like a college fund, or your electricity bill. Ohhh, how about new drapes in the living room? Sick!

3. The Return of Satanical Womanly Tendencies - Forgot to put the seat down didn't you? Did you take out the trash? Are you really going out dressed like that? Get some tampons while you're out. Lets talk about our feelings... You get the idea.

2. Mono-Vaginal - Oh yes. Being married means you can only have sex with this one woman (or man) for the rest of your life. Yep, just her. Remember how much fun it is to fool around with someone for the first time? Yeah, me neither, but we can imagine together now!

1. You Can no Longer Hit Kids - Before if you hit a kid, its probably because they were being a dumb ass and deserved it. Now if you hit a kid, you're subject to "Child Abuse" lawsuits. Bullshit I know, but thats the sad fact of marriage. On the plus side, maybe it would convince your wife you would be an unfit father and not want to have children. On second thought... Go hit small children.

Top Five Manliest Movies

2007-03-27T01:16:00.000-05:00

5. Commando - Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Jungle killing everything. If I need to explain to you the appeal of that, you must be lacking satchel. Not to mention the obvious battle for heterosexual supremacy between the testosterone spewing Arnold and his Freddy Mercury-look alike nemesis, Bennett. Watch this movie and practice your one-liners, cause nothing is more manly than a good one-liner, IE James Bond.

4. Top Gun - I know there is controversy behind this one, but is it possible that Top Gun is so gay that it is in fact the manliest piece of cinema in all history? No, but its got Jets. And Jets are manly. So is flying Jets to 80's hair metal.

3. Die Hard - John McClane impregnates females,and occasionally a male, every time Die Hard is even mentioned. The man walks across broken glass barefoot and makes bombs with monitors. A movie about a lone cop killing bad dudes with tact and style and can't NOT be manly. Warning: Your testicles will double in size upon each viewing of Die Hard.

2. 300 - I can't imagine a reason why you haven't seen this movie yet. I grew a beard just watching it. After the credits had rolled, I had so much testosterone in me that I crushed a man's skull on the way out. I also walked straight through a wall and punted an entire litter of baby kittens.

1. Dirty Dancing - Here's a game me and the boys like to play. Watch Dirty Dancing, and if you can find the women more attractive than the sizzlin' Patrick Swayze AND not day dream about running on the beach with him, you have completed your journey through manhood and you are free to claim yourself a Man among men.

Top Five Words That Sound Dirty, But Aren't

2007-03-25T23:52:00.000-05:00

5. Uvula - You know that thing that hangs down... In the back, there? You might need a light to see it. It just kind of jiggles and doesn't really do anything, but if feels weird if you play with it. Yeah, that's dirty.

4. Cumbersome - Just look at it. First thing that pops into my mind is a big load. Hey, baby, you better watch out, this is going to be cumbersome on your face in a second.

3. Buttress - I think in a few years this will catch on as the new word to describe anal sex. How do you like it best? Well, I don't get it as often as I'd like, but I prefer the buttress method.

2. Mastication - It's like three letters off from masturbation. That's it, plain and simple.

1. Cunnalingus - There is some huge rumor going around that this a real word and it means something along the lines of licking a girl's vagina. Now, come on people, think about that logically. God put the poonani on this planet for one reason, and one reason only, for intrusion of the dick variety. Let's stop this non-sense now before women start thinking they have rights, too.

Top Five Things To Do on a School Bus

2007-03-23T22:50:00.000-05:00

5. Throw Stuff - Nothing is less expected than being hit with something as a school bus passes. And in the long run, no one can really be upset about it so you're off the hook, because A: What the hell are they gonna tell the cops? "it was a big yellow school bus" Yeah OK... And B: Just blame it on the kids. Meddling kids, and their dog.

4. Moon People - When is mooning people a BAD idea? Thats right, never. So why not do it atop such a glorious device. You'll be so high up, they might even get a peak at a little taint.

3. Shit - Uhh, I really don't know why you would want to shit on a school bus, it was Neee's idea. Maybe he has a shitting fetish, combined with a bus fetish? But I guess I don't see any reason not to. This bus is a one way trip to brown town.

2. Turn the Flashy Lights On - Now, at first glance you may think "Hey, this is lame, it should be no higher than 5." But you're an idiot and thats why we write these. Think of the power those blinky lights command. You can stop all traffic at the flip of a switch! Think of the possibilities man...

1. Have Sex - Everyone knows having sex is the most epic thing you can do on a school bus. Plus, its uniquely shaped and placed seats offer some interesting choices for positions. Bonus points if you do it on a short bus. Gives new meaning to "Handicap Hand Job's".

Top Five Reasons Why Vikings are Better than Both Pirates and Ninjas.

2007-03-22T23:09:00.000-05:00

5. Viking's Wheels - Vikings roll out in boats shaped like dragons, and that is the most balla shit you can do with your vessel.

4. Viking Attire - Vikings get the respect of the honorable Sir Flava Flave. The Viking helmet demands respect and glory. A Pirate's wardrobe looks like what the Queer Eye Guys would do to a Pilgrim. And Ninjas? The only people i see wearing all black are found at Hawthorne Heights concerts.

3. Fame and Fortune - Eric the Red, Leif Eriksson, and Hagar the Horrible. These Vikings were all smooth pimps and are always looked back on with much fondness. You could be like "Hey, Pat, what about famous pirates?". Fuck that. Pirates are gay. And name a famous Ninja. Thats what I thought, there are none. Except the Great White Ninja, that guy was special.

2. Viking Starts with V - And only kickass things start with 'V', like Victory, and Vodka, and Velocity, and Vicegrip,and Vectorman, and Vagina, and Valencia Oranges.

1. The Viking Code - There are certain things a man needs in his life. The Viking Code is the epitome of manliness: Rape, Pillage, Plunder. These three things are enough to make a man slightly erect just by the mention of them. So i decree to you, the readers, that next time you have trouble at work, or at the home, apply these three problem solving skills to your life.

Top Five Benefits of Having an Enlarged Prostate

2007-03-22T00:24:00.000-05:00

This one goes out to Sean Reynolds. Ain't nobody can hold a candle to your almost growthy gland.

5. Sympathy - It's lame, I know, but there are some sick fucks out there that get randy when people give them the, 'awww poor thing' treatment. Lord knows I do.

4. You Can Now Compare Your Penis to Your ISP - Once were the glory days of fiber optic, and lightning downloads, but now you're stuck on 56K, and Girls Gone Wild has just stopped at 34% and it ain't gonna start back up.

3. Bladder Explosion is Balla - Having your bladder explode is probably one of the most manly ways you can die. If you're going to go, go out with a bang, a bladder bang, just like my nigga Tycho Brahe.

2. No Better Excuse for Getting a Finger Up Your Ass - Come on, why not live it up while you have the chance? Yeah, hunnie, just going to the doctors to make sure my prostate isn't growing... Score, rectal exam!

1. Not Everyone Knows What it Means - When you tell people that you have an enlarged prostate, if they don't know what it is exactly, they at least have some memory of it having to do with genitalia. You know what that means? In their minds, your dick is now the size of a grapefruit.

Top Five reasons the World Will Plunge Into World War 3

2007-03-20T23:04:00.001-05:00

With the current Political Climate, its not unusual for us to speculate on why in the near future we will be blogging from a smoldering crater.

5. Worldwide Halo 3 Shortage - If you have ever played Halo 2 online, chances are that you already believe the apocalypse is upon us because the Halo 2 community will one day have to move from their mother's basements and get jobs doing things in the real world. But, imagine this set of Master Chief worshiping bigots not being able to get this Holy Grail of online games, let alone the special edition that includes a miniature helmet to complete the suit of armor they have been knitting for their cat. There would be riots world wide.

4. Micheal Jackson is the Antichrist - I would not be surprised. His unholy union with Macaulay Culkin, among other boys, will rip open a gate to the underworld from which his demonic army would conquer the world as we know it. The French Prime Minister has already surrendered to them.

3. Penis Pump Embargo - Anyone whom needs nuclear warheads are obviously compensating for their lack of pantliear dickheads. So, this much needed home appliance could cause World Leaders to become more trigger happy, one thing leads to another, and everyone is eating radiation.

2. Canada Evolves Beyond the Iron Age - God forbid those fun loving Canucks discover physics, let alone how to build tanks that don't involve mules.

1. Kim Jung Il "Catches 'em all" - We could make some witty political joke about hoarding nuclear arms, but no, we are really talking about Pokemon.

Top Five Reasons to Never Sing While Drunk

2007-03-20T00:05:00.000-05:00

5. You're Going to Make an Ass Out of Yourself - I know, when you're drowning yourself in Captain Morgans it's expected that you become a little more open to suggestion. But much like that time you face planted trying to do a kick flip, that isn't always a good thing.

4. You Can't Sing - Everyone knows it. You know it, but somehow you forget about it for those few short minutes when you step up to the stage and spotlight and remind everyone why you've never been on American Idol, and do you really think drinking is going to help you? You're going to be so unfamiliar with the terms, 'off key' and, 'lyrics' people are going to think you're musically challenged.

3. Everyone is Watching - Look around you. See those people? They're going to be listening whether you or they want to or not. When the music starts, your sound level will be anywhere from quiet to screaming, but regardless of that, by the end you will have the attention of everyone, and chances are that you won't realize until the next day.

2. Someone Has a Camera - And chances are it's probably you. Thanks to technology, we are now given the chance to relive forgotten memories with devices no bigger than the mouse you're using right now. Whether the evidence is in the form of pictures or video, your friends will never forget that face you made while giving your rendition of Don't Stop Believing. This is a prime example.

1. You're Drunk - When is the last time you made a good decision while intoxicated? No, stop lying right now. She didn't look anything like Ginger from Gilligan's Island, it was more like... The offspring of Nessy and the Blob, only with more hair.

Top Five Reasons to Steer Clear of Paris Hilton

2007-03-12T01:05:00.000-05:00

5. Lame in Bed - Did you watch her sex video? She's about as good as a live tuna, and probably doesn't beat the smell by much.

4. She'll Run You Over - Rule number one is never let women drive, let alone a drunken drug addict. You're in for pain when you see this coked up mongoloid coming at ya.

3. Whoracle - Remember that episode of South Park where she shoved a pineapple in her bottomless cooch? It actually happened, you could be next. (And, I know some of you might say, "Shouldn't you be more worried about getting sucked into Mr. Slave's ass? The answer is no, he is a fictional character, grow up.)

2. Aura of Stupidity - She is by far one of the dumbest celebrities of the past few years, and once she locks eye contact with you, you're done for. Much like Medusa, only instead of turning into stone, you become mentally retarded.

1. Dead Marshes - You know the Dead Marshes. That place in the LOTR: The Two Towers where Frodo falls in and sees all the tortured souls of the fallen kings of the past. That was shot on location in her pants.

Top Five Reasons to Go to College

2007-03-08T18:17:00.000-05:00

5. Your Parents Want You to - You know it, and I know it. They want you to go and further your education or follow their dreams or something. Make them happy, so when you move back home afterwards your mom will still get you Captain Crunch for dinner.

4. It Helps Kill Time - What else did you plan on doing in those 4-6 years between high school and when you actually get a job. I guess you could sit in your parents basement and masturbate all day, but why not move from the basement to a dorm room? Maybe even fill some time in between sessions with a class or something.

3. Make More Mun's - Yeah buddy. Go to college, get that piece of paper that says you're qualified to do something, and make more money than the dude who doesn't have that piece of paper. Holla!

2. Parties - Even the nerds of college party, granted it might be a magic party, but still. When else in your life are you going to be surrounded by thousands of people your age with nothing better to do? Live it up and grab a beah! (beer for those of you who are retarded)

1. Legal Biddies - You heard me. Colleges are full of crazy, legal, chicks (and dudes) who are overcome with hormones and a burning desire (also known as VD) to let loose and get loose. Grab a buddy, hit a party, and tap some fine, educated, ass!

Top Ten Tuesday! Top Ten Uses of a Dildo in Cinema

2007-03-07T01:34:00.000-05:00

10. Fight Club - Its no threat to Brad Pitt. Nothing is.

9. Idiocracy - In the future most cars come standard with dildo hood ornaments.

8. BASEketball - Upon finding a dildo, priority one is not usually not taste test.

7. Me, Myself, and Irene - It wasn't for her. IT WASN'T FOR HER.

6. Not Another Teen Movie - Dildo Cake is actually a delicacy in some countries.

5. Jackass 2 - Is it Wrong to be Strong? Dildo runs make it possible.

4. American Pie 2 - The memorable foray into the lesbian stronghold to find lesbian artifacts.

3. Borat - Nothing says friendship like a nude game of tag with a rubber fist. Having a broken Anoos isn't as bad as advertised.

2. Orgazmo - Another Matt Stone and Trey Parker movie makes it in the list, how surprising. Well when the sidekick of the movie's titular character is based around dildo and dildo gadgets, its hard from the movie not to make it to this list. COOOOOOCK ROCKET!

1. Sorority Boys - Epic dildo battles, FTW.

Top Five Reasons to Date Nee

2007-03-04T22:56:00.000-05:00

5. He has Skills - Granted they may be odd skills, like kicking himself in the back of the head, or playing Guitar Hero on his toes, he still has those skills. And hey, think of it this way, if he can play guitar hero like that, think of what else he can do with his fingers, if you know what I mean. And in case you don't, I mean he could diddle you for hours on end, even with his hands behind his head... Yeah, think about it...

4. He's Like a Teddy Bear - ...Only full of semen and beer instead of cotton. What a lucky girl (or 13 year old boy) you would be, to be held in the comfort of Nee's hands, all soft and calloused from playing bass. Ohh, Neeumms you make such a fwuffy teddy beawww.

3. Even Nee Uses Star Power - Thats right. Even someone as legendary as Nee, still struggles sometimes, but thats what gives him character. Worries of being overshadowed by his glory would be in vain, for Nee is human, just like us, and sometimes, even he has to use star power.

2. Pancake Nipples - Come on, do I really have to explain this one?

1. You Get to Tap Into his Unspoiled Pool of Sexuality - Trust me, this thing is like the holy grail of pent up sexual urges. Its size is comparable to the Atlantic Ocean, with about as much force as Niagara Falls in the spring. Your discovery would be legendary, and your name would become instantly carved into the stone that is history.

Top Five Uses for Boobs

2007-03-04T03:03:00.000-05:00

5. Motorboatin' - The art of Motorboating has fascinated man since the beginning of time. Scientists theorize that the origins of Motorboating began in Aboriginal Australia. Soon to be an Olympic Sport, Motorboating is the act of burying your face between to bosoms and bathing in their glory, whilst blowing out of your sealed lips so you sound like a Motorboat. Trust me, I majored in it.

4. Thermometers - Is it cold in here, or are Siskel and Ebert givin' me two thumbs up?

3. Pillows - Have you ever seen a pair of gozangas that were so mountainous and rustic that you just want to take a vacation and nestle in their luscious valley, maybe set up camp and live off the land for awhile? Go forth and stake claim to the land your forefather's left for you.

2. Semen Reservoirs - Much like the Continental Divide, semen shall flow from high-points to the watersheds. Luckily, there are two wide receivers to keep the floor clean.

1. Beer Tray - There's a plethora of things that men need in their life. A cold brewhaha is by far the most important. Second most though, would be a pedestal that correctly dignifies, nay, glorifies the brewski. Tits, my friends, were invented by God to hold a beer.

Top Five Reasons to Go on a Hiatus

2007-03-02T23:58:00.000-05:00

5. Comatose - Well, no explanation needed. ...You're fucking unconscious, nothing is going to get done.

4. Masturbation Marathon - Once you pop... You must refuse to stop. Just keep going, and going, and going. Yeah, like the Energizer Bunny, but instead it's your genitals.

3. Biddies - Ladies, ladies, ladies. You know what I'm talking about. Whether it's jail bait, or a MILF, it's gotta get hit and you gotta hit it. In case of no biddies, see number 4.

2. Wasted - Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, and sometimes you gotta drink. It's hard to write top fives when formulating coherent sentences proves challenging.

1. Epic Return - Much like that of Jay-Z or Michael Jordan. It's lonely at the top, and sometimes you want to step down, that's understandable. However, two days later you remember how good it really is to be the king. Fuck retirement, the throne must be reclaimed!

Top Five Senses

2007-02-28T21:14:00.000-05:00

5. Sense of Taste - Mmm. Food. This is what makes eating so great! Without that, I would just keep eating to fill the empty void inside me... It would be a vicious cycle.

4. Sense of Sight - Boobs! Look at 'em! That's all that needs to be said.

3. Sense of Humor - It's what makes this blog worth reading. It's what makes your buddy getting whacked in the nuts gut bustingly hilarious, up until they give you nut knock of your own.

2. Sixth Sense - Ghosts and shit? Hollah! Why wouldn't you want to know stuff other people didn't? You'll see the future and talk to the dead. You'll be rich, basically.

1. Spidey Sense - Who wants to be rich when you'll have all the bid-tids (ladies) you can handle? Oh, watch out sexy, Doc Oc is about to hump you. "Oh, thank you Spider-Guy! Let me blow you."

Top Five Better Uses of Your Monthly World of Warcraft Subscription

2007-02-27T23:49:00.000-05:00

5. Open a Savings Account - Yeah, 15 bucks a month isn't that much, but in ten years, you could have $2,600 sitting in your bank. Think about that everytime you plop your ass down for four to six hours straight, every day for ten years.

4. Invest in Vivendi Universal Stock - You probably missed the explosion that that occurred when WoW first came out, but you should still be in for a pretty penny if things continue to go their way. Oh, you'll have to invest in the French market, since they dropped out of the New York Stock Exchange. Use your new fortune to do something like make third-world countries healthy and thriving, or buy the Millennium Falcon.

3. Buy a Month and a Half of Lord of the Rings Online - When it comes out, of course. At least it's a different game, and it's Lord of the Rings, which is needless to say, the most balla thing ever. For Frodo!

2. Get a BJ Once a Month - Despite what you may or may not think, chicks do not dig +10 enchanted chain-mail, but hookers do dig cash, so go find someone special.

1. Pay Hobos to Participate in Gladiatorial Combat - Self explanatory. ...I'm getting a chubby just thinking
about it.

Top Five Reasons to Own a Guitar

2007-02-26T21:53:00.000-05:00

5. It helps you compensate for poor sexual performance - It's true, when was the last time you looked at a guitar player and thought, "Man, I bet that dude has poor sexual longevity." No, in fact you probably thought, "Hey, nice guitar... Asshole."

4. Chicks dig it - It's true. Don't ask me why, they just do, and thats what life is about. That, and pwning noobs. Jage.

3. It provides entertainment - When surfing the net and masturbating finally get boring (right) you can take comfort in the fact that your guitar will be strung and waiting for you to pluck out a tasty riff.

2. Its the first step in starting a band - Which is the first step to you and your buddies getting out of your friend's room in his parent's house, and out into the world of public performance and public humiliation.

1. Music is the deepest expression of personal feelings - ...Hah! Just kidding, music is for queers! But it'll get you laid, bitch!

Top Five Benefits of Anal Sex (Giving)

2007-02-25T21:33:00.000-05:00

5. No Chance of Babies - That is, of course, unless you have a hole going from your colon to your ovaries. In which case... That's awesome.

4. It's Tighter - Well, this is pretty self explanatory isn't it? If you want something loose goosey, try a deflated balloon.

3. It's Warmer - Sir William of Cock would prefer being in the Bahamas, than being in Canada, and so wouldn't your dick. Now, I ain't saying Canada is bad, by no means is it bad, but the Bahamas are a nice vacation spot and you go when you are able to. Unless you're rich, or work in brown town, you don't go very often. If you do, you are a very lucky man.

2. It Demeans Her - It's like giving her a mushroom stamp, or covering her face with goo. It just feels right. It's like telling her to go make you some filet mignon. You feel like an asshole, but it had to be done, because you can make your own food, but not good food.

1. It Makes You the Man - While it's going down, you know that feeling of accomplishment and justice you get on the inside? That's what I'm talking about. Much like Tony Danza, you are the boss, and afterwards should immediately go out and brag to all your friends.

Top Five Wii Games as of February 2007

2007-02-24T17:58:00.000-05:00

5. Wii Sports - For a game that came free with the system, Wii Sports is pretty good. Good enough for the top five? You know it. It comes with tennis, boxing, golf, and bowling and most people will find an interest in at least one of those. It's also a good introduction to the use of the wiimote and is overall just plain fun, especially when you and your friends have nothing better to do. Hey, let's have a boxing tournament!

4. Elebits - Good game play, okay story, and very good on using the wiimote to do various things. It really utilizes the full functionality of the wiimote and provides a sandbox-like environment in which you can manipulate almost all of the objects in the levels. You could say it's akin to Katamari Damacy in that it's a weird, but fun, Japanese game. It also comes with a level building and multiplayer, which is always a plus.

3. Madden 2007 - Now, I'm not really an avid sport game fan, but Madden 2007 really plugs players into the game. Blocking, throwing, jumping, running, catching, and juking all require you to wave or move the wiimote in some way, which drags your mind into the game, and that's what a game is all about. The added level of interaction reinvigorates a genre that's been suffering from old worn out game play thats only improvement have been on graphics.

2. WarioWare: Smooth Moves - If you're suffering from ADHD, a frequent user of cocaine, or looking for a game that gets you moving and thinking, then this game is for you. Whether it's tuning a guitar, swatting a fly, forking a steak, or cutting a piece of wood in half, you're in for a fast paced, near non-stop ride of mini-game after mini-game. Not only are most of the games fun, but there are over 10 different ways to hold the wiimote, depending on what mini-game you're playing, and over 200 mini-games. It also has a multiplayer mode where up to 12 people can play, is nice.

1. The Legend of Zelda: The Twilight Princess - Of course you saw this coming, it's expected. I'm not a die hard 'Zeldz0r is teh best!' man, so I'm not bullshitting you when I say this is the best game for the Wii. If you loved Ocarina of Time, you'll love this. It is, for me at least, the best Zelda game, Ocarina being a close second. As a starting point, it's another Zelda game, so you know what to expect, but I really enjoyed the use of the wiimote into the game, which is why I put it above Ocarina. Link doesn't emulate your moves when attacking, it's a generalized attack but it's fun to do, at least more interesting than sitting there pressing B. The storyline is compelling and references many of the previous games, which makes me happy in my pants. Oh Link... You're so... Courageous.

Top Fives Things to Do While Being Held Captive by Terrorists

2007-02-23T19:46:00.000-05:00

5.Suggest Having a Sing-a-long - It helps pass the time, and depending on the song, can really perk up a rather boring hostage situation. Try Row, Row, Row Your Boat, it's a classic!

4. Call Allah a Bitch - Go ahead, mock them and their religion. They're probably going to kill you anyways, might as well have a laugh. It'll make your day when one of them pouts and gets teary-eyed as you tell them how you went to high school with their God and he wet himself when a girl talked to him. If you're too afraid for the insults, why not try...

3. Asking Them if They Have Found Jesus - Try and convert them! If you're good, they might just have a change of heart and send you on your way. Either that or kill you quickly so they don't have to hear you anymore.

2. Try and Be Jean Claude Van Damme - Kick some ass! Or at least attempt to. If you succeed, you know how great that will be? What choices do you have? Go bust a cap on some terrorist ass, it's better than sitting there and letting them have total control over the situation.

1. Actually Be Jean Claude Van Damme - This one is by far the trickiest, but if pulled off correctly, can be the most amazing thing ever. Just picture any Jean Claude Van Damme movie. You're Jean Claude, and the terrorists are the enemies of Jean Claude, now go kill all of them. He eats bullets for breakfast, and wipes his ass with sandpaper. When it's all said and done, you'll get a movie deal and the masses will bow before you. Of course, this is much easier to do if you are Jean Claude.

Top Five Weird Things Neeeee Has Done

2007-02-22T19:20:00.001-05:00

5. Scratched My Armpit With My Beard - My hands were full, what else is there to explain?

4. Ate Macaroni and Cheese With My Cell Phone - I was hungry, didn't feel like going to get a spoon, and didn't care about my cell phone. The normal speaker doesn't work very well now and I have to use the loud speaker to hear people clearly when I talk to them.

3. Kicked Myself in the Back of the Head - Well, I didn't do that once, I've been doing it every so often for a few months. It's a strange skill, but I like it because I don't know anyone who can do it, and is willing to, because it's stupid.

2. Head-butted a Paper Bowl With Cereal in it - We were camping, it was wet out, it came to mind, so I did it. There was milk in it, mind you. If I can find the picture of the aftermath, I'll put it up here.

1. Wrapped My Head With Duct Tape - I forget the exact reason behind it, but I was hyper and my friend wasn't answering questions I was asking him so I did the only logical thing I could think of, wrap my head with duct tape until he complied. I later had to tear it off.

Top Five Reasons Why Joe Rogan is Better Than Carlos Mencia

2007-02-21T18:40:00.000-05:00

5. Carlos Mencia Wasn't on News Radio - Do you remember that show? It was great, and Joe Rogan was the man in it. It's probably for the best that Carlos wasn't in it, since he would have just played the lazy Mexican who didn't do anything.

4. Joe Rogan Uses His Own Material - You must of heard of it by now. Joe Rogan called Mencia out for using other people's material, and had a sort of battle against him on stage. And by battle I mean a discussion between two civilized men wherein Joe provides enough proof to convict him in court, and Mencia retorts by calling him a little bitch. Good one Mencia, and speaking of comebacks...

3. Joe Rogan's Comebacks Are More Original Than Mine - Carlos' response to Rogan saying that he uses stolen material was that he thought Joe was gay and was secretly in love with him. Are you serious? I don't care if you're joking, that's a last resort tactic. You're a professional comic, either make fun of him relentlessly, or defend yourself, or something. By calling him gay, you're showing off your lack of talent and making your own situation worse.

2. Joe Rogan is Actually Funny - Have you heard Mencia's act? I'll summarize; I'm Mexican and lazy. Beaner, beaner, beaner, crossing the border to the US. Not bad, considering I didn't look up anything to go by. I'll admit, he has been able to make me laugh, but overall, his bits get tiring and are just one racial slur after another. He doesn't deserve his own show, and I curse Comedy Central for giving him one.

1. Joe Rogan Doesn't Pretend to be Mexican - It's no big deal to change your name for when you become famous or whatever your reasoning is, but... Mexican? Yeah, I'm sure it makes it easier for you to mock Mexicans when your audience thinks you're one of them, but I'll give you a tip, Carlos, or Ned, whatever your name is, making fun of Mexicans... Isn't that hard. Joe Rogan is all that he says he is, and a true American Hero, so suck it Mencia.

If you want to learn more about Joe Rogan, or about the Carlos Mencia incident, click here for Rogan's site.

Top Five Reasons to Start a Top Five Blog

2007-02-20T16:37:00.000-05:00

5. Boredom - When you're in college and you're not that overwhelmed with work and you look to your left and see your friend searching through pages upon pages of Facebook accounts with no intention of doing anything else, something must be done.

4. Creative Output - With creativity just erupting from the side hatch of your mind you need to embrace it like a precious body part, or stolen treasure.

3. Enlightenment - Aim not only to entertain, but to engulf your readers with a level truth and justice that only a glorious top five can attain.

2. Gold Plated Toilet Seats - After your never ending work at the top five is done, there isn't anything better than placing that tired tush on solid gold majesty.

1. The Bitches - Trust me, there ain't nothing that gets women more hot than a nice, thick, daily top five. It's rough, but someone has to do it.